I was so busy chasing dreams that I couldn’t see that I was living in one. I was so concerned with telling everybody else how much I loved you that it never crossed my mind to tell you as well. I would wake every morning and gaze at your sleeping face and feel my heart swell with joy. I have never felt anything as powerful, nor as humbling, than knowing that you were mine.
All that I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. All that I have ever cared about was finding the admiration in your eyes as you looked into mine. I saw it once. For a fleeting moment. We were by a campfire and you gazed at me so gently that I knew if I asked you to marry me in that very moment you would have said yes. I should have done it then. I should have swallowed my pride and told you that you were as much a part of me as the air that I breathe. But I didn’t. I just thought that you would know how much I yearn for you.
I pursued delusions of grandeur and told myself that I would give you the world. All I had to do was conquer it first. I was so consumed with making you proud of what I could become that I forgot about the little things, or to realize that you could be proud of what I already was. I neglected to hold your hand, or to tell you when you looked beautiful. And I forgot how to tell you that I loved you; when I loved you so much more you could ever know. It would have been so easy to make you happy. I had all the pieces of the puzzle; I just needed to show you that I knew how to put them together.
Now I’m standing here naked and alone, gazing at my reflection in the mirror and wondering why you held on for so long. Why did you stand by a someone who could be so fickle and cold? The first time that we met I asked you your name and you looked at me as though I were the devil. When you gave me your heart I only proved that you were right. There’s a darkness to my eyes when you are gone; there’s a void left in my soul. I am a man with the world in front of me. And I would burn it all to hell if it meant that we could start over again.
I’ve made some mistakes. More than there should have ever been. I never took the time to stop and listen, or to hold you close when you were afraid. I wish that I could take it all back and show you that I have never wanted anyone, or anything more than I want you. I would give you my heart and let you engrave your name into its walls so that it could be yours forever. I would vow to never write another word if it meant that I could have you. Why the hell couldn’t I just tell you that I needed you? Why was it so hard to say that I saw us growing old together; seeing out our days in a home with polished concrete floors and a view of the city where we met?
We could see the world; you and I. You could graduate from university and we could journey from place to place, becoming lost in a happiness that I have always longed to show you. I’ll take you to my favourite cities and beaches; you can show me why you fell so in love with Europe. I’ll take your picture. As many as you want. We’ll eat ice cream, and wander aimlessly through foreign streets, giddy with excitement. And when we are finished and there is no world left for us to see, I’ll take your hand, fall to a knee and beg for you to be my wife.
I never really told you that I dreamed of growing old together did I? Or that the beauty that I see in you is so much more than just skin deep? I never told you that I was proud to call you mine; I just thought a piece of writing about having you in my bed would suffice. I thought that it was clever to create a piece that stroked my own ego more than it showed you just how much I adore you. It wasn’t enough; it was foolish to think that it ever would be. And now I’m wondering how I managed to hurt you so badly.
I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to push myself so that when I achieved my dreams I could give you the world. I wanted to dedicate my book to you, you deserve to have your name in something that I could never have created without you here. I didn’t want to hurt you; I never imagined that you would be gone. I should have held your hand more. I should have paid more attention. You were better than I ever was, and all I ever wanted was to be perfect in your eyes. If only I could have realised that I was living in a dream. If only I could have realised that you needed more from me.
I want to lay my head next to yours and hold your hand as we fall asleep. I want to wake up in the dream that I was living in and feel that my life is complete. I can be the man you need me to. I swear that I can be him. I can make you happier than you have ever been. I can show you what it feels like to be loved. Please, just let me show you.