The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

One of the most common societal misconceptions about life is that it is linear. From the moment that we are old enough to process complex thoughts, we are told that we will spend our time between birth and death transitioning from one progressive stage to the next. We’re told that we will go to school, graduate and attend college, get a job, meet a partner, have a family and eventually grow old, contented in the knowledge that we have ticked all the boxes that we are advised we must.

Because of this, we believe that everything has a time and place. We convince ourselves that there is a right time to fall in love, to focus on personal development, or to pursue our careers and education. When we believe that we should be directing our energy towards one aspect of our wellbeing, many of us begin to neglect all others, creating an imbalance within our lives that can damage the happiness we all strive towards.

We convince ourselves that because we haven’t finished our education or landed our dream job, that we shouldn’t find a partner and fall in love. Or that because we had a child at a young age, we can’t go back and complete our studies or start the business we have always yearned to create.

But life’s trajectory isn’t linear. It’s cyclical. And we as human beings must learn to be malleable, drifting with the ebbs and flows of the universe as they pull us to and from our heart’s truest desires.

In 2016, I set myself a goal. I wanted to write a love story. My reason for doing so was simple: I had hit rock bottom in my life, and I needed a way to find my feet again. At twenty-seven years of age, I had just had my heart ripped out by a girl and was so down that I became convinced that I would never find someone to fall in love with. I had to fight just to find a reason to stay alive. In addition to feeling like life had just knocked me down, I was viewing my life as a linear progression of events that had just been derailed, exacerbating the pain that I was feeling.

But rather than throw away what was left of my life, I made a choice to write about the very thing that pained me, confronting my fears and creating the happy ending that I believed I would never experience. When I first started to work on the novel, I told myself that it was time for me to focus on my career as a writer. I put everything else in my life on hold to concentrate on creating a manuscript that showed my own personal enlightenment and growth.

A lot of positives came out of what I did. Through producing the script, I began to understand who I really was, what I valued most, and how to shed the fears and anxieties that had lived inside of my head. But I also created a new imbalance between the world I was creating in my mind, and the one that I was withdrawing from on a daily basis. I was so focused on achieving a goal that had spawned from a place of great pain, that I missed out on experiencing some truly special moments, as well as opportunities to appreciate just how wonderful life really is.

The first time that I realised I had created an imbalance within myself was when I was partway through editing my novel. I met a girl. Well, kind of. We actually met a long time ago, and I have always known that there was something about her that could take my breath away. But I somehow convinced her to meet me for a coffee. When she showed up and smiled at me, there was a shift inside my soul and I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time.

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I felt butterflies in my stomach, and a pinch in my chest as if I’d taken an arrow through the heart. By the time our brief encounter was over I had realised that meeting her was the universe’s way of pulling me away from focusing so intensely on producing a manuscript, and guiding me towards something far greater. I didn’t fall for her because she was beautiful. That would be too clichéd. I fell for her because even though she has a smile that causes a kaleidoscope of butterflies to take flight within my abdomen, she’s also intelligent, mischievous, funny, brave, bold, compassionate and so connected to her own heart and mind that she makes me want to be a better man.

In the months since we first sat on a patch of grass and rubbed her dog’s belly while she teased me for taking milk with my coffee, I have made a fool of myself more than once. I’ve told her that I want to be her partner, that I love her, and that when I’m around her I feel as though I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’ve written blog posts about flowers coming to bloom, and sent her a short story just because she was on my mind. And yet, while the cyclical arc of my life has brought me to the most unlikely of places where I have found someone I would walk through hell for, her life hasn’t arrived at that point just yet.

The person that I was a year ago would have struggled with the knowledge that he had fallen for someone who wasn’t in the same headspace that he was. He would have crumbled underneath the weight of his own insecurities, and cursed at the universe for constantly trying to pull him away from his linear path. But that’s not who I am anymore. In the space of twelve months I have transitioned from boy with no desire to live, to a writer who momentarily hid himself away from the world, to a man comfortable enough with himself to acknowledge that he has found a woman he could happily spend his life sharing adventures and creating memories with.

Yet while I know what my heart wants, I don’t think that the time for her and I is right now.

The universe hasn’t brought her to the same place as I am for a reason. She still has a few dreams that she wants to achieve on her own. But I honestly believe that she’ll be a part of my life forever. And that one day soon our souls will melt together like colours smeared across an artist’s canvas. Until then, I’ll cherish the moments that we share together and remind myself that you should never rush something that is meant to last.

When I started writing this post I had planned on doing a wrap up of 2017. I was going to talk about the challenges I had faced writing a love story, and what I had learned about myself while producing entries for this blog. But then I realized that doing so would be falling into the same mindset of predetermined progression that I always had. So, I decided to acknowledge that right now I’m happier than I have ever been in my life instead.

By allowing myself the freedom to open my heart and write with absolutely vulnerability, I’ve learned how to be free from the anxieties that turned much of my earlier work into disjointed garbage. By embracing my passions, I have been afforded the opportunity to work with one of my closest friends to launch a new venture that involves other artists and an origami wolf. And by taking a risk and asking a girl I’d always known was beautiful out for a coffee, I have found someone that I long to make memories with.

2017 was a year of introspection and rediscovering who I am. It was a year of slaving away at my desk, pouring my heart and soul into my work in an effort to understand what it is that I value, what I love, and what dreams I truly wish to become my reality. But as the new year fast approaches, I realise that I’ve always known who I am. I just lost sight of that person for a while.

My name is Chris Nicholas. I’m a writer, a wolf, a brother and son. I’m a man about to embark on a new journey with his creative passions; and a lover excited at the possibility of a lifetime of adventures with a soul who vibrates at a frequency that mirrors my own. I hope that when I can finally share my new venture with my readers, they are as excited as I am to be a part of something new, and that together we can change the literary industry forever. And I dream that one day I no longer have to refer to the woman I fell for as my Horizon or Belle Âme.

131 thoughts on “Belle Âme

  1. evanaweb says:

    This was amazing. You seem to have self knowledge and a good hold and balance between your needs and desires, which of course is optimal. I hope you continue down the same path in 2018 🙂

    1. vandybandy says:

      All the good wishes for your new ventures.

  2. I’ve only just read this piece and I am smiling all over. What a wonderful adventure you are on! And I am absolutely convinced that the more you are loyal to your deep self the more creative you will be, and when you meet that someone special you will be sharing from a place of wholeness rather than fragmentation. When you love yourself then you can love another wholesomely :). This last year has taken me on this very journey 🙂

  3. lidiasin says:

    This was beautiful written. You have many comments and do not expect a reply. However, this is very inspiring. Never stop.

    1. lidiasin says:

      Ahem, beautifully written. Tongue tied.

  4. Not cyclical, maybe elliptical, perhaps string theory if the chords are occasionally out of tune:)

  5. nadiak says:

    That was a very interesting read, really made sense.

  6. How truly beautiful, your belle âme! I’m rooting for your love story as you one day reunite with your beloved. Forever is worth the wait. Peace and love be with you!

    “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” – The Alchemist.

  7. Go Chris. May your fears be small and your loves grand.

  8. I like your vulnerability and introspection…keep it up.

  9. I’m so pleased to see you in this new place. at 84 I’ve learned who I am, but still see possibilities. I published a book last year that is off to a good start, I treasure my friends and family even though we are heading into the great beyond.. I know of a woman who has published a book titled, ‘Still Boy Crazy at Ninety!”

  10. P R Dudi Kurada says:

    Please like and follow my blog
    https://prdudi.wordpress.com/

  11. Beautifully written!

  12. this is beautiful.
    really lovely to see you so passionate about someone and aware of your own thoughts. 🙂

  13. Tamara Kulish says:

    Lovely! I was reading it and struck by how much I didn’t realize a man could love! Maybe I’ve held onto an outdated thought that women love more intensely as we’re labeled the empty ones?! It was truly a breath of fresh air, not only to see the depth of your love, but how balanced your outlook is! You’ve come to a point of acceptance and are anticipating the future! Bravo!

    Peace, Tamara

  14. papasmuse says:

    * “ticked all the boxes that we are advised we must.” – I like that phrase.

    * I like that you mention directing energy towards one aspect…but then neglecting the others. That imbalance is so true.

    * So true that life isn’t linear (it’s cyclical). Learning to be malleable and drifting with ebbs and flows sounds very Tao. Love that

    * Putting all your focus on the goal of being a writer makes sense. Using your writing to process your pain? Makes even more sense.

    * So sorry to hear the relationship didn’t work out. I get what you were saying and where she was in her life. But I’m a romantic and always rout for the Walt Disney ending.

    * Great entry! Follow your passion and write, write, write.

  15. RW Klarin says:

    thanks for opening your heart. Soul will follow.

  16. Your writing is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.Keep writing, you’re on the write path.

  17. JazzCookie says:

    Beautifully done, Chris. While we are years apart in age, you’ll understand when I tell you that I recently met the man I’ve been waiting for all my life and it was a complete fluke…Love can come any time. You are creative, brave and generous with a spirit to love – that comes across in your writing and also that terrific picture of you and the dog. You’ll go a long way, Chris, and when it happens, you’ll circle back – or not – and meet the person you want. Believe me, it could be a big surprise! All best…

  18. Saraswati says:

    Again very beautifully written. Something I needed to read in the present phase of my ongoing life.

  19. Your photo in this post is amazing.

  20. Wonderfully written. I agree on the wolves (also, mostly everything else; but, come on, the wolves!), and I was wondering If you have seen the documentary about the return of the wolves, the good one. One where actual scientists who brought them back,and who made the movie lived there for years, with the wolves (well, in a tent, but basically there). I’ve been trying to find that documentary for years, I have no clue what is the title.
    Back to your writing. It is hard when a person is faced with a block of any kind (those stupid blocks, thinking they are lego’s), but, it is important to know that as soon as we are ready, as soon as we are finished going through whatever is happening to us, that block will break. The mind needs the time to process everything before being able to produce any kind of creative thoughts. 🙂

  21. Rebekah Barnabas says:

    Truly beautiful and eloquent!

  22. Seunfunmi says:

    Reblogged this on Seunfunmi Waziri and commented:
    A must read! And Practice

  23. Papberry says:

    Beautifully scripted👌🏽

  24. Gordon says:

    I have to say that you laid bare your feelings in a creative and educational format. I think many of us have been there, are there, going there. I have been doing a lot of thinking on my own life, the good, bad, ugly, stupid, irresponsible, responsible, friendships, hatreds, failures, and successes for quite sometime now. Your piece is so incredibly illuminating and refreshing to come across in this land of chaos that we all experience. Thank you for exposing yourself and your inner most thoughts. You have made yourself vulnerable and yet stronger and that vulnerability and strength has been absorbed by me and countless others. Good job!

  25. Malcolm Hunt says:

    A really great piece. Keep emerging!

  26. Reblogged this on An Indulgence Turned Obsession and commented:
    Thought provoking and entertaining.

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