The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

One of the most common societal misconceptions about life is that it is linear. From the moment that we are old enough to process complex thoughts, we are told that we will spend our time between birth and death transitioning from one progressive stage to the next. We’re told that we will go to school, graduate and attend college, get a job, meet a partner, have a family and eventually grow old, contented in the knowledge that we have ticked all the boxes that we are advised we must.

Because of this, we believe that everything has a time and place. We convince ourselves that there is a right time to fall in love, to focus on personal development, or to pursue our careers and education. When we believe that we should be directing our energy towards one aspect of our wellbeing, many of us begin to neglect all others, creating an imbalance within our lives that can damage the happiness we all strive towards.

We convince ourselves that because we haven’t finished our education or landed our dream job, that we shouldn’t find a partner and fall in love. Or that because we had a child at a young age, we can’t go back and complete our studies or start the business we have always yearned to create.

But life’s trajectory isn’t linear. It’s cyclical. And we as human beings must learn to be malleable, drifting with the ebbs and flows of the universe as they pull us to and from our heart’s truest desires.

In 2016, I set myself a goal. I wanted to write a love story. My reason for doing so was simple: I had hit rock bottom in my life, and I needed a way to find my feet again. At twenty-seven years of age, I had just had my heart ripped out by a girl and was so down that I became convinced that I would never find someone to fall in love with. I had to fight just to find a reason to stay alive. In addition to feeling like life had just knocked me down, I was viewing my life as a linear progression of events that had just been derailed, exacerbating the pain that I was feeling.

But rather than throw away what was left of my life, I made a choice to write about the very thing that pained me, confronting my fears and creating the happy ending that I believed I would never experience. When I first started to work on the novel, I told myself that it was time for me to focus on my career as a writer. I put everything else in my life on hold to concentrate on creating a manuscript that showed my own personal enlightenment and growth.

A lot of positives came out of what I did. Through producing the script, I began to understand who I really was, what I valued most, and how to shed the fears and anxieties that had lived inside of my head. But I also created a new imbalance between the world I was creating in my mind, and the one that I was withdrawing from on a daily basis. I was so focused on achieving a goal that had spawned from a place of great pain, that I missed out on experiencing some truly special moments, as well as opportunities to appreciate just how wonderful life really is.

The first time that I realised I had created an imbalance within myself was when I was partway through editing my novel. I met a girl. Well, kind of. We actually met a long time ago, and I have always known that there was something about her that could take my breath away. But I somehow convinced her to meet me for a coffee. When she showed up and smiled at me, there was a shift inside my soul and I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time.

IMG_1039

I felt butterflies in my stomach, and a pinch in my chest as if I’d taken an arrow through the heart. By the time our brief encounter was over I had realised that meeting her was the universe’s way of pulling me away from focusing so intensely on producing a manuscript, and guiding me towards something far greater. I didn’t fall for her because she was beautiful. That would be too clichéd. I fell for her because even though she has a smile that causes a kaleidoscope of butterflies to take flight within my abdomen, she’s also intelligent, mischievous, funny, brave, bold, compassionate and so connected to her own heart and mind that she makes me want to be a better man.

In the months since we first sat on a patch of grass and rubbed her dog’s belly while she teased me for taking milk with my coffee, I have made a fool of myself more than once. I’ve told her that I want to be her partner, that I love her, and that when I’m around her I feel as though I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’ve written blog posts about flowers coming to bloom, and sent her a short story just because she was on my mind. And yet, while the cyclical arc of my life has brought me to the most unlikely of places where I have found someone I would walk through hell for, her life hasn’t arrived at that point just yet.

The person that I was a year ago would have struggled with the knowledge that he had fallen for someone who wasn’t in the same headspace that he was. He would have crumbled underneath the weight of his own insecurities, and cursed at the universe for constantly trying to pull him away from his linear path. But that’s not who I am anymore. In the space of twelve months I have transitioned from boy with no desire to live, to a writer who momentarily hid himself away from the world, to a man comfortable enough with himself to acknowledge that he has found a woman he could happily spend his life sharing adventures and creating memories with.

Yet while I know what my heart wants, I don’t think that the time for her and I is right now.

The universe hasn’t brought her to the same place as I am for a reason. She still has a few dreams that she wants to achieve on her own. But I honestly believe that she’ll be a part of my life forever. And that one day soon our souls will melt together like colours smeared across an artist’s canvas. Until then, I’ll cherish the moments that we share together and remind myself that you should never rush something that is meant to last.

When I started writing this post I had planned on doing a wrap up of 2017. I was going to talk about the challenges I had faced writing a love story, and what I had learned about myself while producing entries for this blog. But then I realized that doing so would be falling into the same mindset of predetermined progression that I always had. So, I decided to acknowledge that right now I’m happier than I have ever been in my life instead.

By allowing myself the freedom to open my heart and write with absolutely vulnerability, I’ve learned how to be free from the anxieties that turned much of my earlier work into disjointed garbage. By embracing my passions, I have been afforded the opportunity to work with one of my closest friends to launch a new venture that involves other artists and an origami wolf. And by taking a risk and asking a girl I’d always known was beautiful out for a coffee, I have found someone that I long to make memories with.

2017 was a year of introspection and rediscovering who I am. It was a year of slaving away at my desk, pouring my heart and soul into my work in an effort to understand what it is that I value, what I love, and what dreams I truly wish to become my reality. But as the new year fast approaches, I realise that I’ve always known who I am. I just lost sight of that person for a while.

My name is Chris Nicholas. I’m a writer, a wolf, a brother and son. I’m a man about to embark on a new journey with his creative passions; and a lover excited at the possibility of a lifetime of adventures with a soul who vibrates at a frequency that mirrors my own. I hope that when I can finally share my new venture with my readers, they are as excited as I am to be a part of something new, and that together we can change the literary industry forever. And I dream that one day I no longer have to refer to the woman I fell for as my Horizon or Belle Âme.

138 thoughts on “Belle Âme

  1. tastybiteweb says:

    This was beautiful.
    I have recently let go of the the time table life. It’s so freeing. Life does not go according to plan and that’s ok. We don’t always get what we want and then you thank God for it. Things weren’t happening to you, but were happening for you and setting you up for something else. I’m so happy you have someone in your life that is teaching you to slow down….it may be one day just not yet. Patience. 😀

  2. Kyle Blevins says:

    Your reflections, honesty, and bravery to look inside and find yourself is brilliant. Not just finding yourself, but liking what you found. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Sarah Haynes says:

    Quite the lesson, isn’t it? It’s hard to grasp as I have my experiences with my son and what I had expected for my son. Thanks for reminding me that I know better.

  4. artschaft says:

    Such a wonderful reflection. I wish you the best of luck, it sure is difficult to pull away from the linearity of life.

  5. Beautiful and honest piece. We are often too easily plagued by the expectations of time and place. Pulling ourselves out of that trap is beyond liberating but also learning to reject the sometimes misguided expectations of those around you is equally important I think. Thank you for the read.

  6. mairi57 says:

    Thanks for liking my poem.Love your work.

  7. Kate says:

    The challenges of finding love are mighty. You have more wisdom about the process than I did when I was younger. Lovely post.

  8. tidbits13 says:

    Congratulations on having the courage to open your heart again and go against the societal timetable norms. I enjoyed your post!

  9. darelltapp says:

    Congratulations on your novel, your self-realization and discovery and finding what sounds like a soul mate.

  10. Lindsey Rose says:

    This was the most beautiful piece I️ have read in a very long time. Thank you for gracing the world with your work.

  11. ShepherdsRun says:

    Peace is found in the passion of simplicity and understanding. You have found a path that will allow you to explore the different facets of your life; leading you to that ultimate understanding. Good luck on your path and I LOVE your feature photo.

  12. Dina says:

    Reading this thoroughly turned me into a melting pot of new and old, relatable emotions. One can truly appreciate passion and blunt honesty in a writer’s voice. I eagerly await to witness your success.
    Thanks for sharing, Nicholas.
    ~Dina

  13. grimspound says:

    Nicely written, Chris.

  14. Mary Zabala says:

    im a newbie on blogging and i saw that you liked one of my posts, and i was curious to check your blog. this post is amazingly wonderful. for me, i agree on what you said about life challenges or life in general. it is wonderfully written, i love every paragraph of it. i’ve absorbed something that i can apply to my life too

  15. Fiery Song says:

    Beauty, chaos, truth and fire in words imbued with heart and passion

  16. Words brimming with passion and truth. This perhaps because you speak from a place of vulnerability. I believe that you have found yourself as a writer and discovered more truth on your everyday self thanks to that year spent toiling away arduously. It was not spent in vain and the fruits of that heart wrenching labor have still yet to all ripen and plop of the labour tree.

  17. gravesport says:

    Very well put together. I consider myself something of a stoic, but a few of my heartstrings were plucked reading through this. You certainly live an interesting life or at the very least have the talent to spin the ordinary into the penworthy.

    I look forward to seeing more of your writing in the future. Best of luck on your new journey.

  18. charliC says:

    Oh this is beautiful! So well written and touching. I think most people have been in that position and it’s terrifying, your writing gives hope, understanding and confidence to those of us who aren’t quite on the other side yet.

  19. Wish I had your passion when I was younger, wish I had it now.

    – Take care, be well, E

  20. neilsonanita says:

    Wow great post. I love your honesty and open hearted essential. Anita

  21. Henry Lewis says:

    As the cliche goes, ‘life is about the journey and not the destination’. I think you have developed into an old soul very quickly and learned one of the best of life’s lessons. Your writing style is direct and accessible, and I think you’ll have a lot to say and more wisdom to offer in the future. All the best!

  22. Michael Arce says:

    It’s amazing to find people that can be so different and far away from you, yet still travel the same roads. This hit me like a ton of bricks and multiple levels. Thank you for putting this into words Chris, cheers!

  23. Loved this insight into your own personal journey. We can all learn something from it. Definitely look forward to reading more of your thought.

  24. Amazing the turns that life takes.

  25. Beautiful and inspiring … I’m so glad to have read this as its given me much needed food for thought.
    Now I can’t wait to read your other posts.

  26. Her says:

    The Other has issues with the expectations of linear time. I believe that it fuels his anxiety. I’m grateful for your visit, as it brought me to your post. Perhaps, your words will help us understand each other better.

  27. Hira says:

    Oh wow .. Did you read this …? Amazing. You need a pat on the back. Really. It is so beautiful and accurate. And am wondering how did I miss this? Okay. Because I was traveling on the day you posted this. But also because I look for post laced with humor and could have easily ignored this. But, Am such a fool. I will look forward to your book now. And wish you all the best for everything.

  28. Thank you for writing with honesty, warmth and hope. And for dropping by my blog – truly appreciated. 😊

  29. Looking back at my life’s pattern of change, I see neither progressive nor cyclical – the changes seem random, altho one day I may discover it’s paisley. At any point, even the low ones, I see that everything prior has somehow prepared me for what’s happening now. Not necessarily sufficient preparation to ease pain in the moment, but to survive long enough that I can see that very pain as preparation for something good ahead. Swings between happy and miserable do happen, and it’s a mistake to assume miserable is going to continue forever.
    This is a thoughtful post, leaves me encouraged that you have recognized happiness in the moment does not depend on any formulas.
    Thanks for stopping by StepsAndPauses – where I keep myself focused on moments instead of patterns.

  30. Brenda says:

    Very good reminder of what I already know in my heart but keep shucking off for the things that writing “should” be – and never is. I am encouraged to look deeper into myself and become a better writer in the process. I look forward to reading more of your work!

  31. Moi says:

    Ahhh could it be that a like on my blog brought me to another blog that may harbour the kinds of posts I want to read. The butterflies, I love the butterflies although in my real life they left a long time ago, sometimes when I read my posts it brings them back but it isn’t the same. I was reminded of them after reading this post.

  32. HemasSphere says:

    Very well penned. Life needs to keep rolling. It takes courage to move on. Loved reading your post. Glad I stopped by to read it.
    I am relatively new to blogging. Love it when I come across blog life that of yours.
    I am just 3 posts old and working on a series as of now. Would be please if you visit my blog.

  33. debracolby52 says:

    Great article! Thanks for posting! Also thank you for stopping by and reading my recent post, Your Love! It meant a lot to me.

  34. S. says:

    This is just so beautifully written and sweet. I wish you so much happiness!!

  35. Hey dude, I finally got around to checking out your site. Sorry it took so long but I have trouble getting out of my own way. I really like your take on life. At your age I was a raging alcoholic out of control and spinning around in a circle. I tell you this because I like to stress how fortunate life can be. There was an old commercial about a hippy who found himself living the very life he despised and is sitting in his backyard pondering what happened? He called it: “Agonizing Reappraisal.” For what it’s worth, to me that’s what life is. A series of adjustments. So you might as well go for your dreams. And by the way, dreams change. I’m buying your book and reading it. REMEMBER THE MAGIC WORD — “WHATEVER”

  36. Leah Suzette says:

    “our souls will melt together like colours smeared across an artist’s canvas.” <<< You may have just inspired my next painting, friend :]

    Thanks for liking my blog post today – I enjoyed reading yours as well!

  37. Thanks for the like. I read all of your post and I found it uncannily like some of my own writing-the meanings are incredibly similar to my own. Some phrases you used (a few actually), could have easily fallen from my mind as they did yours. The way you describe meeting this girl is how I felt exactly when I met my long term partner. Cliched love at first site. I know right! Enjoyed this. Thanks

  38. benleander says:

    Sometimes I wish I had a clearer picture of where life is taking me, sometimes I feel like is all is too planned ahead. Life is definitely not linear though, you’re right about that.

  39. This is so true! We force ourselves into boxes of time and expectation. Life just doesn’t work that way. I am moved by your deep sense of self and peace that others might not be in the same place. It is the wanting that causes our suffering.

  40. Kindly visit our blog site, post comment and like our posts. You can spread our site to get more viewers. It’ll be more appreciated. Please. We just need it for our project. Click the link below.
    http://photographiyaph.wordpress.com

  41. anjana says:

    Enjoyed reading it and I relate to it, totally. The trigger for me to start writing seriously was also a difficult experience. And at the end of it, I have a manuscript in hand! Now, I’m thankful for the misfortune that fell my way, if not for it, I wouldn’t be where I am now. 🙂

  42. I applaud your vulnerability. Looking forward to hearing the success of your career AND the girl.

  43. gruundehn says:

    Even here, you show a linearity of sorts. There are those of us who write because we start off socially withdrawn. I spent 20 years of my adult life on active duty where I was always highly involved with others. Once I went on inactive duty, I retreated into a shell and focused more on my writing. I wasn’t hurt as you were, except that I enjoyed what I did in the Air Force, but I went into a comfortable mode. For the last 30+ years I have rarely ventured out of my comfortable space. I am doing so now, not because I met someone or because my comfortable space is no longer comfortable, but for a cause. I may even venture forth and put myself in a most uncomfortable space by running for political office.

  44. The fire in your words, the truth behind them truly is wonderful. Thank you for sharing this with the world and for putting your heart out there!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: