The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

I was so busy chasing dreams that I couldn’t see that I was living in one. I was so concerned with telling everybody else how much I loved you that it never crossed my mind to tell you as well.  I would wake every morning and gaze at your sleeping face and feel my heart swell with joy. I have never felt anything as powerful, nor as humbling, than knowing that you were mine.

All that I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. All that I have ever cared about was finding the admiration in your eyes as you looked into mine. I saw it once. For a fleeting moment. We were by a campfire and you gazed at me so gently that I knew if I asked you to marry me in that very moment you would have said yes. I should have done it then. I should have swallowed my pride and told you that you were as much a part of me as the air that I breathe. But I didn’t. I just thought that you would know how much I yearn for you.

I pursued delusions of grandeur and told myself that I would give you the world. All I had to do was conquer it first. I was so consumed with making you proud of what I could become that I forgot about the little things, or to realize that you could be proud of what I already was. I neglected to hold your hand, or to tell you when you looked beautiful. And I forgot how to tell you that I loved you; when I loved you so much more you could ever know. It would have been so easy to make you happy. I had all the pieces of the puzzle; I just needed to show you that I knew how to put them together.

Now I’m standing here naked and alone, gazing at my reflection in the mirror and wondering why you held on for so long. Why did you stand by a someone who could be so fickle and cold? The first time that we met I asked you your name and you looked at me as though I were the devil. When you gave me your heart I only proved that you were right. There’s a darkness to my eyes when you are gone; there’s a void left in my soul. I am a man with the world in front of me. And I would burn it all to hell if it meant that we could start over again.

The Grounds of Alexandria 7

I’ve made some mistakes. More than there should have ever been. I never took the time to stop and listen, or to hold you close when you were afraid. I wish that I could take it all back and show you that I have never wanted anyone, or anything more than I want you. I would give you my heart and let you engrave your name into its walls so that it could be yours forever. I would vow to never write another word if it meant that I could have you. Why the hell couldn’t I just tell you that I needed you? Why was it so hard to say that I saw us growing old together; seeing out our days in a home with polished concrete floors and a view of the city where we met?

We could see the world; you and I. You could graduate from university and we could journey from place to place, becoming lost in a happiness that I have always longed to show you. I’ll take you to my favourite cities and beaches; you can show me why you fell so in love with Europe. I’ll take your picture. As many as you want. We’ll eat ice cream, and wander aimlessly through foreign streets, giddy with excitement. And when we are finished and there is no world left for us to see, I’ll take your hand, fall to a knee and beg for you to be my wife.

I never really told you that I dreamed of growing old together did I? Or that the beauty that I see in you is so much more than just skin deep? I never told you that I was proud to call you mine; I just thought a piece of writing about having you in my bed would suffice. I thought that it was clever to create a piece that stroked my own ego more than it showed you just how much I adore you. It wasn’t enough; it was foolish to think that it ever would be.  And now I’m wondering how I managed to hurt you so badly.

I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to push myself so that when I achieved my dreams I could give you the world. I wanted to dedicate my book to you, you deserve to have your name in something that I could never have created without you here. I didn’t want to hurt you; I never imagined that you would be gone. I should have held your hand more. I should have paid more attention. You were better than I ever was, and all I ever wanted was to be perfect in your eyes. If only I could have realised that I was living in a dream. If only I could have realised that you needed more from me.

I want to lay my head next to yours and hold your hand as we fall asleep. I want to wake up in the dream that I was living in and feel that my life is complete. I can be the man you need me to. I swear that I can be him. I can make you happier than you have ever been. I can show you what it feels like to be loved. Please, just let me show you.

86 thoughts on “Sofie

  1. smackiland says:

    The rhythm and flow to your words is mesmerizing …

    1. Tina Wright says:

      Such a poignant meditation on love and regret…

  2. elenarose says:

    There is a reason I wanted to become a writer and you have reminded me of it in this post. Thank you for visiting my blog, otherwise I may not have read your words. Took the air out of my chest. Beautifully written.

  3. rosahahn says:

    I feel your heart and love for this woman in this post and it melted my heart. Hope you get back together and you can make your promise become true. You’re an amazing writter. Wish you luck good boy 💝

  4. Raya Makani says:

    Wonderful words, beautifully put. If it’s ok for you I would very much like to re-blog it. I hope one day you conquer the world and the best in it for yourself and the one you love.

  5. I enjoyed reading this and hope to read more from you in the future. Great work with nice flow.

  6. You ok? You are so in love with Sophe-blind Freddy could see that. Your passion and focus on your work is not something you should change-It’s you. It hurts, doesn’t it? Like a part of you has literally died-but it’s life, and sometimes it kicks you when you least expect it; but all is not lost, this is sometimes exactly what we need, to shine some light on our wrong doings. There is no better teacher than human suffering. You will not repeat your mistakes, I promise you. Sophe-He loves you.

  7. Fighting for survival and love are two of the great tales of man.

    I believe, though it sounds odd, peace is found in knowing when I pass the world, will be as it was before me, full of spirits interacting, living and dying. My goals are very small and humble, to do no harm. To find balance in achieving my happiness, contentment and fullfilment.

    Great comfort comes in the anxiety free moments where I can just be, be still, breath and find happiness for myself in an act that takes nothing from another.

    Standing outside on a bright winter day, face turned to the sun, breathing deeply, feeling the cold and the warmth of our world all at once. In that moment my mind can be still, I find peace, do no harm or need no one else to experience this happiness.

    The greatest joy I have ever know came from finding connection to another human being in these moments of peace.

    I expected to walk my life alone, my own self protective delusions of lack of worthiness to be loved. I hid behind the strength I found in my singularity. Love shattered my delusions and false bravado in a way I swore impossible.

    Like you Chris, My Husband and I work for freedom and time. We do not work to acquire. Perhaps by focusing on our survival as gaining freedom to breath, travel, experience and create, more will come of our efforts.

    My fight for survival is fought. I am here at peace, breathing. At any moment my breaths may stop and I will have been nothing more than a happy woman who walked in kindness, who loved her equal and wrote. A life worth living in the grand scheme.

  8. jialat_ says:

    I really like your post 🙂 looking forward to the next post.

  9. DavidSorbet says:

    If this is real, the raw emotion in this piece is palpable. If not, this is a piece of literary genius (at least to me). But the just goes to show each and everyone of us that words are important. We can’t just assume that the other person knows what we are feeling or thinking.
    If this is real, I hope you get another chance, and I hope you use it wisely.
    Thanks for the like

  10. Teacher as Researcher says:

    “I was so busy chasing dreams that I couldn’t see that I was living in one.”
    what a beautiful thought.

  11. First, thank you for stopping by and liking my post. This piece on Sophie is breath taking and beautiful. I don’t know if it is creative writing or a confession, but it pulled me in and would not allow me to leave until the end. BEAUTIFUL!

  12. Thank you for visiting my post. Your post on Sophie is very powerful. I hope Sophie agrees.

  13. Thank you for stopping by my post Affirmation, Gratitude and Attention, as now I have found your blog and am inspired, Thank YOU! I am enjoying your writing style and stories thanks for sharing and connecting online. :~) Blessings,

  14. It’s simply beautiful and very emotional! Thank you for dropping by my blog and helping me find yours!

  15. melaniepickering says:

    Beautiful and heart-wrenching prose…
    Thank you for discovering my blog and for letting me discover your writing. Exploring the world can be amazing, but sometimes the most precious finds are in your own backyard. Great to see Brissie churning out some quality authors 🙂

  16. Tina Wright says:

    Reblogged this on tinawrightwrites and commented:
    I never reblog posts, but this meditation on love and regret is so beautiful and poignant that I have to share it…

  17. Reblogged this on The Writers Quilt and commented:
    A post by Chris Nicholas on Australia.

  18. Dude – you’re making the old mistakes all over again. You say “I was so concerned with telling everybody else how much I loved you that it never crossed my mind to tell you as well.” Oh the irony. Posting this on a public blog instead of whispering it softy into a single ear.
    Cool post though – we all have a lot to learn – keep on teaching. 🙂

  19. djtaskalume says:

    Reblogged this on djtaskalume and commented:
    If you once fell for someone this summarises the feelings….

  20. Powerful.. I hope whoever this is written to responded to your heart and soul felt message.

  21. I got so carried away in reading this that for the whole time I felt as if it was something I would have written. Funny how we could be a globe apart, different races, different colors, different languages but when it comes to feelings, we feel just the same. You almost freaked me out that how could anyone know my feelings so much, even more than I ever realized. Just like you had Sofie, I had Andrius. I am still recovering from the damages that were caused. I just feel it would be really unfair to whom ever will ever love me in future that I would not be able to give him the love that I once gave.

  22. This was a very good study in thought. I was following a storyline as I started reading, and I realized it was how a guy thinks. He’s in love and wants to express it so much, thinking of the past, how he plans to do better in the future, expressing his doubts and faults, and talking about how he is a better person. I was there inside his head. Thanks for sharing this excellent work.

  23. pnwauthor says:

    Wow, this is a good example of a man allowing himself to feel and appear vulnerable. Maybe she’ll return.

  24. verawrites says:

    Dear Chris, thanks for stopping by my blog. It led me to yours and I am thrilled! I read Sofie and can only say “ditto” to all the authentic admiring accolades. Then I read You, and wondered – were you still with Sofie when you wrote it? I love the way you craft your words, they – you – evoke a visceral connection to powerful imagery.

    I, too, was once loved like this. Sadly, it didn’t last. Once reality set in, poetry became shrouded in mist, and I was left to wonder “why am I with this person?”

    Chris, I look forward to reading more of your words. God bless you!

  25. Nice post , I follow you , if you want me you can watch

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: