The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

I was so busy chasing dreams that I couldn’t see that I was living in one. I was so concerned with telling everybody else how much I loved you that it never crossed my mind to tell you as well.  I would wake every morning and gaze at your sleeping face and feel my heart swell with joy. I have never felt anything as powerful, nor as humbling, than knowing that you were mine.

All that I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. All that I have ever cared about was finding the admiration in your eyes as you looked into mine. I saw it once. For a fleeting moment. We were by a campfire and you gazed at me so gently that I knew if I asked you to marry me in that very moment you would have said yes. I should have done it then. I should have swallowed my pride and told you that you were as much a part of me as the air that I breathe. But I didn’t. I just thought that you would know how much I yearn for you.

I pursued delusions of grandeur and told myself that I would give you the world. All I had to do was conquer it first. I was so consumed with making you proud of what I could become that I forgot about the little things, or to realize that you could be proud of what I already was. I neglected to hold your hand, or to tell you when you looked beautiful. And I forgot how to tell you that I loved you; when I loved you so much more you could ever know. It would have been so easy to make you happy. I had all the pieces of the puzzle; I just needed to show you that I knew how to put them together.

Now I’m standing here naked and alone, gazing at my reflection in the mirror and wondering why you held on for so long. Why did you stand by a someone who could be so fickle and cold? The first time that we met I asked you your name and you looked at me as though I were the devil. When you gave me your heart I only proved that you were right. There’s a darkness to my eyes when you are gone; there’s a void left in my soul. I am a man with the world in front of me. And I would burn it all to hell if it meant that we could start over again.

The Grounds of Alexandria 7

I’ve made some mistakes. More than there should have ever been. I never took the time to stop and listen, or to hold you close when you were afraid. I wish that I could take it all back and show you that I have never wanted anyone, or anything more than I want you. I would give you my heart and let you engrave your name into its walls so that it could be yours forever. I would vow to never write another word if it meant that I could have you. Why the hell couldn’t I just tell you that I needed you? Why was it so hard to say that I saw us growing old together; seeing out our days in a home with polished concrete floors and a view of the city where we met?

We could see the world; you and I. You could graduate from university and we could journey from place to place, becoming lost in a happiness that I have always longed to show you. I’ll take you to my favourite cities and beaches; you can show me why you fell so in love with Europe. I’ll take your picture. As many as you want. We’ll eat ice cream, and wander aimlessly through foreign streets, giddy with excitement. And when we are finished and there is no world left for us to see, I’ll take your hand, fall to a knee and beg for you to be my wife.

I never really told you that I dreamed of growing old together did I? Or that the beauty that I see in you is so much more than just skin deep? I never told you that I was proud to call you mine; I just thought a piece of writing about having you in my bed would suffice. I thought that it was clever to create a piece that stroked my own ego more than it showed you just how much I adore you. It wasn’t enough; it was foolish to think that it ever would be.  And now I’m wondering how I managed to hurt you so badly.

I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to push myself so that when I achieved my dreams I could give you the world. I wanted to dedicate my book to you, you deserve to have your name in something that I could never have created without you here. I didn’t want to hurt you; I never imagined that you would be gone. I should have held your hand more. I should have paid more attention. You were better than I ever was, and all I ever wanted was to be perfect in your eyes. If only I could have realised that I was living in a dream. If only I could have realised that you needed more from me.

I want to lay my head next to yours and hold your hand as we fall asleep. I want to wake up in the dream that I was living in and feel that my life is complete. I can be the man you need me to. I swear that I can be him. I can make you happier than you have ever been. I can show you what it feels like to be loved. Please, just let me show you.

86 thoughts on “Sofie

  1. Miriam says:

    Oh, so heartfelt and poignant Chris. I felt every word.

    1. erhynireh says:

      I agree! So deep, every word touches my very soul. Reminds me of someone so dear.

  2. trE says:

    I wish men came programmed to know that if we love you, truly love you, you’ve already given us the world…

    “I pursued delusions of grandeur and told myself that I would give you the world. All I had to do was conquer it first.”

    I’m willing to bet that after reading this, if feelings are still there, she’d forgive you. Great love-loss prose.

  3. Oh, that is captivating. I bet she would give you a second chance — I would, after reading that!

  4. cecile53 says:

    ” And when we are finished and there is no world left for us to see, I’ll take your hand, fall to a knee and beg for you to be my wife.”.
    why wait that long? ask as soon as possible.., even if it seems impossible.

  5. Beautifully eloquent – but you are what you are, and if she could not feel your love for her (however it was manifested) she is not the one for you…

    1. Unfortunately Sofie has only ever seen the worst side of me. She’s definitely the one for me. I just needed to show her that I could be the one for her too.

    2. erhynireh says:

      I agree. One thing I’ve learned is, we have different ways to express and prove our love. We cannot love others with the way they expect it to.

  6. I felt the despair in the write-up. Sometimes though, beauty could be found away from the despair. Great piece.

  7. opening your heart like this cannot be easy. excellent writing and hope you will feel better soon

  8. This is beautiful. Sometimes it’s hard to express how we feel face to face with someone. ❤️ Keep being strong.

  9. vickgoodwin says:

    That was so heart wrenching.

  10. inesbeatrice says:

    There’s always great power in your writing and I admire that immensely– you were the first person that I started following when I made my own blog because I knew I could find some inspiration or guidance from what you share.

    Your work is honest and affecting; I connect on some level to each new entry. Thank you for your honesty in your work. I desperately hope that you’ll find some solace and understanding in return.

    1. erhynireh says:

      Very well said, I feel the same way with Chris’ writings. I always love reading his posts.

  11. My heart aches for you on this Saturday morning. Know you’re not alone. Everyone has lived through their broken hearts. Take this time to better yourself. If she loves you she will see it, and if she knows you well, she will see whether or not it’s for real. It is always hard to look into our broken mirror and see our faults, but it doesn’t have to mean you’re a failure. You’re human, and you are loved. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers Chris.

  12. How do you write so beautifully! I’m awed and I can connect to every word!👌 This is well captured…Welldone

  13. Sundayfluke says:

    I really hope Sofie reads this and sees how you truly feel. If you’re destined to be together you will be.

  14. thebrunetteinthepinkscarf says:

    Chris – this is by far your best piece. 🙂 Everyone has a past. Sofie probably didn’t even need you to prove your worthiness. This post is very elegant and classy. It definitely hits home, yes, a tear or two fell. You should be admired, in every way a person can be admired. In seeing the worse in someone, can evoke a realness of beauty. If someone stands beside you in your darkest hours – do not let that person go. There is a reason that person stayed. You are a strong man, with a strong heart – don’t forget that. I love this piece, in every sense of its meaning. ❤ 😀

    -thebrunetteinthepinkscarf

  15. Chris, this is the most heartfelt, amazing piece. I can feel your passion and pain dripping from every word and have never read a piece with such authenticity of emotion. Whatever is happening for you and Sofie is happening for a reason.

  16. Beautiful writing. We should all be loved so much!!!

  17. mubeenazam says:

    Incredibly powerful and emotive words, your writing is very deep and moving.

  18. I really hope she gives you another chance, Chris. If not, then I hope you find someone who will treasure you as much as you do her. Wish I could find somebody like that for me, too.

  19. “The first time that we met I asked you your name and you looked at me as though I were the devil. When you gave me your heart I only proved that you were right.” You are not a devil. You are a broken soul hoping to get fixed by the one you love.

  20. ichbindaswortistich says:

    Your words remind me of that which I wrote a couple of days ago to someone: that not being believed is worse than being rejected. But of course, who in their right mind would ever believe these words to be more than just that – words? There are too many people out there using words like these carelessly, without ever meaning any single one of them, and thus people are right not to trust these words – more so, of course, if they have already given someone a chance.
    I know what your words mean just as much as the feelings attached to them, for I feel the same way about someone; the only difference is that I have not (yet) been given any one chance to prove it to the person.
    I wish you all the best, at any rate, and admit that I feel bad for being unable to be of any further help.

  21. Ratika Deshpande says:

    This is ineffably beautiful. I hope Sofie realizes how lucky she is to have a man like you love her. There are so few people around who are honest, who accept their mistakes and are willing to try again to have a better life.

  22. Having love ripped away from you, no matter how or why, is hands down one of the worst feelings in the world. Let’s be honest, its painful and sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through that right now.

  23. LoveForGrace says:

    chris…. I HAD TO let go of the man I love today, and I can count it in minutes how long it’s been over, you’re the second person I’ve even told…. He said all the right things to sell me the dream, all for his ego, and I am that girl who only knew how to pour love over him. I gave him the only part of my heart I had left and he didn’t hesitate to take it after knowing everything I’ve been through and how fragile I am because of my exterior: tough bad-girl, smart, and from what I’m told “exotically beautiful”, a dangerous combination because sensitivity to me is weakness because of what I’ve been through.. I jumped on my blog real quick before I hit the City tonight until the sun comes up in San Francisco, to make sure I had no cyber-space beef, (people don’t have the guts to do anything face-to-face anymore and they do it on my blog which is the chronicle of my broken heart)…. Your piece of writing was the first thing I saw, and I didn’t cry about what happened to me until I read about what happened to you. People lose the best things in their lives because they’re afraid, they are waiting for the right time, they’re waiting for the stars to align, they’re waiting the customary amount of time before making things happen….before you know it, it’s too late. If your love is still in your life, don’t let a moment go by that you don’t show her that she is your everything. Surprise her for no occasion, don’t let her ever be next to you without you touching her in some way, read together, walk together, cupcake (that means cuddle here in the Bay) make it a point to make her fall more in love with you each day. People stop watering their love and they still expect it to grow. Talk is cheap…show her, go all-in, don’t let your pride get in the way of how you feel…. Magic is Magic, and you know when your soul is matched with that of another…. you make it work, and you want it to work, you love it to work…. If she is not in your life, go after her with every thing you have….. As someone whose first (and only true love) was killed in a motorcycle accident, and whose anticipated love turned out to be the devil in disguise…. The person you’re with will determine the world around you, give her every thing and never stop….. Be clever in how you love her ……. sending my love to you both and I look forward to a piece of writing possibly entitled, Sofia: Part II for the update ! Many blessings to you ❤

    With Love,

    Lisamarie

  24. Anne Jay says:

    So beautiful.. so heartfelt! The feeling it invokes.. like this poem I just read.. https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/36562225/posts/975552737 (I don’t know if you can click on it but if not, it’s by Frank Solanki, a poem called Build Build Build)
    My reading list is telling me something..
    Thank you for sharing.

  25. Noémie says:

    After reading this beautiful post, surely she will come back…
    often we only truly appreciate something or someone when it’s no longer there. She must be havin a hard time too… It’s never easy to walk away from someone you love(d) but it also makes you grow stronger… All my thoughts are with you both…

  26. Sara Wright says:

    A remarkably honest piece of writing. In our culture men are taught not to express their feelings, that relationships are of lesser importance than ego -driven desires. Heartbreaking but true.

    1. emariemon says:

      Could not agree more.Truth.

  27. Ooooof, hard hitting, plenty memories flooding back.
    Ive been guilty of what you wrote about.
    Beautifully expressed.

  28. Wonder what effect this would have on the real/imaginary object of this passionate piece …

  29. So eloquently put. What a beautiful gift of expression you have.

  30. Words. powerful, passionate yet heart breaking to read.

  31. So beautiful.. Heart warming. Loved it..

  32. This is so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

  33. Suzanne says:

    Read this out loud to myself and cried my eyes out. Deeply touched a chord in my heart . Thank you for sharing your soul, whether a personal letter or fictional piece, you have given a gift to your readers.

  34. bunchup says:

    This is an awesome post, emotionally charged. Thanks for leading me to your blog.

  35. emariemon says:

    This made me cry because I can feel the pain and searing love in each word you wrote and I know it is things like this that can never be conjured up out of nothing from the mind, This is real. It is you and your heart being melted onto this page. And it is beautiful and sad and perfect. Chris, as always you have written something that has hit my heart in the most chillingly perfect way.

  36. Comire says:

    Those are some emotions that I’m not sure I’ve come into contact with in a long time. Impressive writing.

    Thank you for liking my post [http://wp.me/s268u8-upstairs].

  37. nadiasaudade says:

    how skillfully we sabotage what we want most…

  38. syaira rahimi says:

    This is so beautiful.

  39. Everything about this is so beautiful. I hope she reads this. Great job on this one ❤

  40. ssunshine14 says:

    Beautiful..Amazing you write.
    Thanks for stopping by..

  41. 100wordsaga says:

    Wow! Such a heart-gripping piece and especially from a guy! I hope your Sofie gets to read this.

  42. Grandtrines says:

    Reblogged this on Still Another Writer's Blog.

  43. At first, I thought that the POV was a wolf talking to you. You portray an unconditional love that runs as devoted as a wolf’s, or as a dog’s for his master. Thanks for a great write of special love!

  44. cmwriter says:

    I felt the yearning, the love. Beautifully written.

  45. I hope everything works out OK between you two. I could say more… but,,, you’ve already said it all.

  46. Wow. Some people never, ever realize such truths of the simplicity of love and living. You have… If she has moved on, then you will find someone else and give them all the treasures you have found. Knowledge is never wasted, time and people never perfect. Forgive yourself for the past, no point in going over it when you have learnt the lesson you needed to. The woman of your tomorrow will have a better you, that’s the important thing – it still won’t be perfect, but it will be better, and you’ll be happier without that need for validation… Wishing you a tomorrow better than today, Nell 🙂

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