The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

Some days are harder than others. There are times when I barely notice that you’re not around. Some days my life can seem so busy that I almost feel complete. I have a job that despite my shortcomings, I have managed to excel at. I have my writing; I run a website, and I wrote a book. It’s a love story. I think that you would like it. I have my family and friends too. I’m trying to be a better friend, brother and son, yet I know that I don’t always tell them that I love them as much as I should.

But there are also times when I reach for your hand, only to grasp at air. There are days like today when I’m surrounded by the people that I love, and they’re all married, partnered, or engaged. Some have families; or are expecting. And I’m standing there alone, wondering when I’ll meet you. Or if I ever will.

I used to think that we had met. I found a girl who was so beautiful that I knew I was in love from the first time that I saw her. She was smart too. She taught me about flowers, about having an open mind, and how wonderful it is to feel content. I tried so hard to make her love me; and even harder to make her stay. But she left. And she broke my heart. The final lesson that she ever taught me was that true love doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work, and sacrifice. She taught me that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that they know, that they’ll love you back, or that you’ll get the happy ending you have always longed for.

I wish that I at least knew your name. That way when I lay awake at night and picture our life together I could call you something other than Lacuna. It’s not even a real name. It’s just a word that I found in a book. But I chose it because it means a blank space; or a missing part. I’m twenty eight years old and I don’t have a woman to love, or to hold. There’s a blank space in my life that I wish I could fill; a missing part to the puzzle that is me.

I promise that when we meet I’ll do everything that I can to sweep you off your feet. I’ll spend every waking moment trying to take your breath away. 

I want to be your husband; and for you to be my wife. It sounds crazy because I don’t even know what you look like, but thinking about the day that I ask you to marry me brings a smile to my face. That doesn’t mean I want to be hasty and ask you as soon as we meet. I want us to take our time. I’ll ask you out on a date, and try and hold your hand. You’ll look at me as if I’m insane, and my heart will skip a beat as our fingers interlock. At the end of the evening I’ll drop you home and walk you to the front door, placing my hands on your hips as we kiss goodnight. It probably sounds silly to you. I know that people don’t do that kind of thing anymore. But there’s no need to rush something that is meant to last forever.

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I promise to take care of you too. I want to be there for you during the tough times as much as I want to share our moments of joy. When you’re sick I’ll tuck you in at night and wrap the blankets around your body before dimming the lights. I’ll make you soup when your throat hurts; or rub your stomach when you turn ill.  If you need to talk I’ll listen with great patience. And I’ll buy you flowers on your birthday, when you get a promotion, or just because I can.

When we have children, I’ll be the best damn father you have ever seen. I’ll change nappies, and teach them how to count, or to read and write. We’ll laugh and cry as they say their first words, and take their first steps. I’ll make sure that they grow up in a house filled with so much love that it radiates from their smile.

If we have a little girl I’ll learn how to tie pig-tails and play with dolls.  If we have a boy I’ll teach him to ride a bike and that real men treat women with respect. I’ll be at the front row of their sports carnivals, their spelling-bees, and graduations. You will too. We’ll be hand in hand, just like we were when I took your hand on our first date. We’ll be older by then; but just as in love as we have ever been.

Eventually we’ll grow old and retire. I’ll have to give away the job that I managed to excel at; I don’t know where you work, but I’m sure that you’ll be missed. We’ll travel the world, our faces cracking into a series of wrinkles as we smile gleefully at one another. When our hips give out and we can’t travel anymore we’ll find a little cottage to live in where we can form bizarre habits, like eating dinner while the sun is still up, and drinking so many cups of lukewarm tea that we spend most our nights dashing to the bathroom.

I know that one day I will find you. My parents always told me that good things come to those who wait. I just never thought that I would be twenty-eight and still searching for the woman that I grow old with. As a child, twenty-eight had seemed so old. I thought that I would have figured my life out by now. I wish I didn’t have to hurt as bad as I have in the past. I wish that I hadn’t had to lose the girl that I thought was you, and that I didn’t have to write a letter to someone that I’m still waiting to meet.

I don’t know where you are right now. Or if you’ll ever read this, but I want you to know that one day you are going to be my wife. And that I am going to love you, you are going to love me, and we are going to be happy. I promise to sweep you off your feet so that we can create a life so wonderful that your heart never aches again. When that day comes, I won’t need to call you Lacuna anymore. You won’t be a blank space, or a missing piece in my life. You’ll be my best friend; and I’ll be yours. We’ll be in love with one another, until the day that we die.

149 thoughts on “Lacuna

  1. Geena says:

    My notification showed – ‘Chris nicolas likes your post’. As I clicked to check his profile, the first thing that I read was the first few lines of the post lacuna. As I read, I felt like I have known this person in my life. My brain dint want to believe it, but my heart was beating rapidly. By the time I was in the middle of the post, I was both in anguish and a little sick about wondering was it really from someone familiar? At the end I realised it wasn’t whom I suspected. Your writing really came so close to the thoughts my mind was shaping, it’s shocking. Great post. And thank you for liking mine.

  2. Wow. Thank you for writing this. It really resonated with me.

  3. mygenyblog says:

    Thanks for liking my most recent post! I look forward to reading your blog as well.

    Cheers!

    -Kristen

  4. gordz92 says:

    Probably one of the most beautiful and honest piece of writinh I’ve read. I admire and slightly hate you for bringing a tear to my eye reading this. Thank you sir, you’re a diamond.

  5. vagablondtravels says:

    Beautiful writing – So Heartfelt – I hope my sweet girl finds someone like you. I have my Lacuna – it took time and one mistake to have him. Every day I hope for more time together. 28 is young – whatever age you are when she comes in to your life it will be worth the wait.

  6. Ahhhh simply beautiful writing Chris! And thank you for lining my recent post!

  7. This is so heart-wrenchingly good. I don’t remember when I last related to a piece of writing this deeply.
    All I (or anyone else) can do is hope that eventually, good things do come to those who wait. 🙂

    After all, like Paul Auster says, “There’s hope for everyone. That’s what makes the world go round”.

  8. Manu K says:

    This is the most romantic thing I have ever read in my life. Its amazing. Thank you for liking my post. I am truly honored.

  9. Malot says:

    Wow! That was so heartfelt, and I wish for you to find her soon. 🙂 Thanks for dropping by at SAHMot-sari, by the way.

  10. VR says:

    Beautifully written, like a page from one’s private diary. Ture love is definitely worth the wait.

  11. I love this, so beautiful and searching, so raw and yet at the same time dreamy. Straight from the heart and with an appeal like that, I hope the universe delivers your wife to you. I silently and in writing pined for someone I hadn’t yet met for years when I was a litttle girl and an adult. And then when I met him it was as though finding my one true home and everywhere else beforehand had been a waiting room for that moment. Just remember that you have this look forward to, it’s not a case of if…but when. The universe always delivers.

  12. This is a beautiful post. Please know that God never intended for man to be alone. That’s why he created Eve to be a helper for Adam, to love and desire only him, to encourage and not harm him. I pray that you continue to stay strong and wait patiently for the one who God designed specifically for you. She will be not just what you are hoping for, but what you need when you most need her.

  13. ACK says:

    Beautifully written. I can really relate to this. I am a bit older than you and I have loved (or least I think I did) and I have lost. But I haven’t given up hope yet that the right person for me is still out there somewhere…

    Thank you for visting my blog and for liking my post.

    All the best from Sweden.

  14. cynthiahm says:

    Beautiful. Just beautiful. I believe you will find her.

  15. Yoly says:

    Beautiful

  16. Ananya says:

    Hope you find her soon. And you will find her

  17. oolayou says:

    So touching it brings tears to my eyes, I hope you find her and hold her close not only love her, but show her each and everyday. Don’t let her go. No matter what life throws at you or how hard things get don’t ever forget to show her love. 💝🌷✨

  18. neakris29 says:

    Very romantic and touching. I can relate to this very well 💝

  19. Sacha says:

    So good Chris. I too can relate to this heart’s cry. Thank you.

  20. Something a good woman will help you or is it a story. Nicely put together. Keep writing ✌️

  21. Samantha Hartmann says:

    Absolutely amazing writing!

  22. A touching sentiment so beautifully written. It felt so honest and sincere and I hate that my experience I bring to the piece is one of lies. Empty promises of hope and change that never come to fruition. I hope when you find her you remember your words and live by them as honestly as you can. That would be a great love story. I hope you find her!

  23. viaara says:

    Powerful, honest, and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us. I really needed to hear something like this – something so honest and filled with real feelings.

  24. carolinagratia says:

    This is tender and sweet. Blessings. xox

  25. hope you find her soon …… such a beautiful expression of love…..

  26. amirose18 says:

    What a beautiful piece, Chris! I love the vulnerability and the point of view. You are definitely a talented writer. I look forward to reading more of your work.

  27. Maria H. says:

    That was absolutely the most beautiful letter I’ve ever read. My older brother is in the same boat as you, but I am sure that each of you will find your other halves. Waiting is hard, but it prepares you and gives you time to grow into the person that is able to make that commitment that you wrote about.

    Thank you also for stopping by my blog yesterday.

  28. dominicsklar says:

    Beautiful written friend. Great work.

  29. Rose says:

    This is beautifully vulnerable and so touching. At 22, I am already feeling the same. I thought I would at least be dating someone by this point in my life, but I am still impatiently waiting. I hope you find your lacuna soon 💕

  30. Oorjitha Prem says:

    This is absolutely beautiful ❤️ It brought tears to my eyes… I’m turning 20 soon and I thought that I need to find somebody to settle with but I can assure you, no matter what age you are, there’s always someone out there for you. Always. The right time and the right situation will bring the both of you together. We will all find our Lacuna eventually and you definitely will Chris!

    When you find yours and you know she’s the one, show her this because she needs to know how amazing and thoughtful of a man you are and how lucky she is to have met you!
    -Oorjitha xx

  31. entropyismyenemy says:

    If all men aspired to be the good father that you do, this world would be a better place. You have impressed me.

  32. Brandy says:

    I adore this post.

  33. Wow, what a read, AMAZING. I felt like you, but then met the love of my life when I least expected it. We are now planning our trips around the world, starting with a vow renewal in Vegas. You will find her and what a lucky women she will be. Looking forward to reading your posts in the future.

  34. AJ says:

    Thanks for liking mine, yours made me cry a little x

  35. Absolutely beautiful, Chris. It sounds like the magic of new love. Don’t give up. My husband and I met later in life (I was 30, he was 37) and we’ve been married nearly 30 years. Marriage may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When we speak of soulmates, it’s not always about tenderness and roses. That person can also make you grow in ways you never dreamed. You sound like a very thoughtful guy. I’m sure the right person will come along probably when you least expect it but it will be the right time.

    Thank you for visiting my blog as it is what led me to yours. Touching. Heartfelt. Love it.

  36. Graham says:

    Many thanks for this post; its emotions and desire speak to some many today.
    Best wishes for your future writing and finding Lucuna if she hasn’t already walked into your life.

  37. Thank you for visiting my blog. Like, comment, follow and share for new Volumes. Have a wonderful day…
    http://www.indianforensicexpert.com

  38. Nightingale says:

    Thank you for sharing this, it’s beautifully written. At first I thought this was going to be about heartbreak and I loved that it is, in fact, about longing for true love. Your emotion is woven craftily into the text and to me it seemed as though you were painting a picture with words. Truly inspiring, keep up the amazing work!

    PS: You will find your Lacuna, I’m sure of it. She will appreciate the beauty of your soul, she will love you as deeply and passionately as you love her and she will work on the relationship instead of walking out of your life. She will be the one worth waiting for.

  39. feifei says:

    Wow.
    This was the only thing that I managed to murmur after finishing this piece. This is amazing.

  40. The Dreamer says:

    Wonderful words !!

  41. love it! love it! love it… all I can say screw the world and write what’s true to you, some beautiful words and a great take on your romance of the future! best of luck with that, from my own experience it really is like that when you meet the right person every moment and the simplest of actions feel like the most profound feeling in the world. It just takes a lot of kissing frogs before you find your prince and some heart breaks or two don’t let that damper the momentum though it really is worth all the drama when you find the best part of you in the eyes of the one you love. btw thanks for like my post great to know it was read and liked!

  42. janederis314 says:

    Hi! I love your writing, please keep showing us your talent.

  43. Awesome post and one that so many can relate to. My husband was in the exact same shoes, heart broken by another…luckily he waited for me. He was 33 when we met and got married 6 months later. 10 Years later we are still the happiest couple. You will meet her when you least expect to….Thanks for liking our post!!

  44. Irina says:

    This is beautiful. I’m sure you will find her… everything comes at the right time 🙂

  45. riyadani says:

    I have never read anything more touching and this relatable. I absolutely loved the narration and … and it’s just very beautiful. Thank you so much for posting this. Wishing you happiness 🙂

  46. Kari says:

    28 years old is quite a lengthy time for those of us who have no extended personal reference. And that’s okay. 🙂

    Relationships are teachers in their own ways, I have trust that you, upon your reflections and intense self-critical moments, will take what you learned from giving and losing – and living – forward. When you do realize your Lacuna, the potentiality is tapped with greater ease because you experienced so many facets and weavings of intimacies. Will it be effortless? Likely not, and you acknowledged this many times over. But worth the growing pains? Absolutely.

    “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” + T. S. Eliot

    Best of luck to you and your endeavours. You’ve come a long way, yet the journey can be endlessly fascinating if you choose so.

  47. Ashley says:

    I had to read this over again, because it’s exactly how I feel sometimes. I’m 30 years old and haven’t met that person yet, sometimes I don’t notice, but other times I feel it acutely. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Best wishes in everything.

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