The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

Some days are harder than others. There are times when I barely notice that you’re not around. Some days my life can seem so busy that I almost feel complete. I have a job that despite my shortcomings, I have managed to excel at. I have my writing; I run a website, and I wrote a book. It’s a love story. I think that you would like it. I have my family and friends too. I’m trying to be a better friend, brother and son, yet I know that I don’t always tell them that I love them as much as I should.

But there are also times when I reach for your hand, only to grasp at air. There are days like today when I’m surrounded by the people that I love, and they’re all married, partnered, or engaged. Some have families; or are expecting. And I’m standing there alone, wondering when I’ll meet you. Or if I ever will.

I used to think that we had met. I found a girl who was so beautiful that I knew I was in love from the first time that I saw her. She was smart too. She taught me about flowers, about having an open mind, and how wonderful it is to feel content. I tried so hard to make her love me; and even harder to make her stay. But she left. And she broke my heart. The final lesson that she ever taught me was that true love doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work, and sacrifice. She taught me that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that they know, that they’ll love you back, or that you’ll get the happy ending you have always longed for.

I wish that I at least knew your name. That way when I lay awake at night and picture our life together I could call you something other than Lacuna. It’s not even a real name. It’s just a word that I found in a book. But I chose it because it means a blank space; or a missing part. I’m twenty eight years old and I don’t have a woman to love, or to hold. There’s a blank space in my life that I wish I could fill; a missing part to the puzzle that is me.

I promise that when we meet I’ll do everything that I can to sweep you off your feet. I’ll spend every waking moment trying to take your breath away. 

I want to be your husband; and for you to be my wife. It sounds crazy because I don’t even know what you look like, but thinking about the day that I ask you to marry me brings a smile to my face. That doesn’t mean I want to be hasty and ask you as soon as we meet. I want us to take our time. I’ll ask you out on a date, and try and hold your hand. You’ll look at me as if I’m insane, and my heart will skip a beat as our fingers interlock. At the end of the evening I’ll drop you home and walk you to the front door, placing my hands on your hips as we kiss goodnight. It probably sounds silly to you. I know that people don’t do that kind of thing anymore. But there’s no need to rush something that is meant to last forever.

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I promise to take care of you too. I want to be there for you during the tough times as much as I want to share our moments of joy. When you’re sick I’ll tuck you in at night and wrap the blankets around your body before dimming the lights. I’ll make you soup when your throat hurts; or rub your stomach when you turn ill.  If you need to talk I’ll listen with great patience. And I’ll buy you flowers on your birthday, when you get a promotion, or just because I can.

When we have children, I’ll be the best damn father you have ever seen. I’ll change nappies, and teach them how to count, or to read and write. We’ll laugh and cry as they say their first words, and take their first steps. I’ll make sure that they grow up in a house filled with so much love that it radiates from their smile.

If we have a little girl I’ll learn how to tie pig-tails and play with dolls.  If we have a boy I’ll teach him to ride a bike and that real men treat women with respect. I’ll be at the front row of their sports carnivals, their spelling-bees, and graduations. You will too. We’ll be hand in hand, just like we were when I took your hand on our first date. We’ll be older by then; but just as in love as we have ever been.

Eventually we’ll grow old and retire. I’ll have to give away the job that I managed to excel at; I don’t know where you work, but I’m sure that you’ll be missed. We’ll travel the world, our faces cracking into a series of wrinkles as we smile gleefully at one another. When our hips give out and we can’t travel anymore we’ll find a little cottage to live in where we can form bizarre habits, like eating dinner while the sun is still up, and drinking so many cups of lukewarm tea that we spend most our nights dashing to the bathroom.

I know that one day I will find you. My parents always told me that good things come to those who wait. I just never thought that I would be twenty-eight and still searching for the woman that I grow old with. As a child, twenty-eight had seemed so old. I thought that I would have figured my life out by now. I wish I didn’t have to hurt as bad as I have in the past. I wish that I hadn’t had to lose the girl that I thought was you, and that I didn’t have to write a letter to someone that I’m still waiting to meet.

I don’t know where you are right now. Or if you’ll ever read this, but I want you to know that one day you are going to be my wife. And that I am going to love you, you are going to love me, and we are going to be happy. I promise to sweep you off your feet so that we can create a life so wonderful that your heart never aches again. When that day comes, I won’t need to call you Lacuna anymore. You won’t be a blank space, or a missing piece in my life. You’ll be my best friend; and I’ll be yours. We’ll be in love with one another, until the day that we die.

41 thoughts on “Lacuna

  1. Chaplain Mac says:

    Great vision and dream that I hope your get to realize one day. I was able to live this and am still doing so … in my old age.

  2. I truly hope when you meet your lacuna, you give her this. It’s beautiful.
    -Chrissy (hopefully someones lacuna) =)

  3. Touching piece and a beautiful heart. : )

  4. Loved reading this. Have faith and keep smiling.

  5. Beautiful words from a beautiful heart! 👏💌✨💖💫💞🌟🌷

  6. This was beautiful. She’ll be a lucky one. 🙂

  7. sophie9131 says:

    A really nice and touching piece! I hope you’ll find someone to fill that blank space 🙂

  8. Il Principe says:

    You just deserve the best from life

  9. A person carrying so much of love inside him, surely deserves all the love this little universe can provide.
    I really hope you find your lacuna soon.

  10. Tim says:

    Love this! She’ll be a lucky woman.

  11. kahlan222 says:

    I’ll admit to getting a bit misty while reading this. It’s a dream I’ve had as well. I too thought I had found my Love only to find that he had other things to do. I’ve always had this space, a space for the one I’ll Love. I’ve felt, most of my 33 years, that I wanted to share my life with someone. From the big joyous moments to the tiniest most mundane of things. Your writing is so beautiful and the pictures you weave are works of art. I wish you hope, joy and success in your journey. I’m certain you will find them all.

  12. ladyinthemountains says:

    WOW!!!! This had me crying. Tears rolling down my face. This is so beautiful. I hope you find her someday. It is nice to see a man be so sentimental and romantic. Maybe I can find a man like that for me someday.

  13. ladyinthemountains says:

    Reblogged this on My Rants, Dreams, and Thoughts on Everything and commented:
    Damn, this made me cry.

  14. Tom Cordle says:

    In my experience, there is a very big difference between being “in love” with someone and actually loving someone. Being in love is all about the now, the joy and the intensity of the moment. It is as addictive a drug as there is; but as with any other drug, the high can’t last. And that’s when you discover something about true love – and something about yourself.

    Loving sometimes requires being there for someone when you’d rather be somewhere else … sometimes anywhere else. It requires doing for someone when you don’t like them very much – at least at that moment. Don’t let anyone kid you … love and marriage often fall far short of expectations – let alone dreams. But there is something especially gratifying in learning that you have the courage to persevere despite disappointment, delusion and shattered dreams.

    And should you be blessed to have children, you will discover all of this – all of the highs and lows – magnified ten times over.

  15. jerennazuto says:

    Aww, one of the cutest thing I read all day. She is a lucky woman. Great writing!

  16. A lovely piece but made me a little sad. Do what you love and love will come to you…

  17. nsinitsa says:

    Coming from someone with paralyzing fear and aversion towards love, I find the optimism of this piece contagious. I hope you find it one day

  18. nsinitsa says:

    Coming from someone with a paralyzing fear of love, I find this piece to be contagiously hopeful. I hope dearly you find it

  19. How sweet and touching! :’)

  20. mjwriter says:

    Sounds like you’ll make some blessed lady a wonderful husband. I hope you find the one who deserves you.

  21. 28, you’re so young. Enjoy the youth and have fun. Get stable when you get older… you still have a while to go.

  22. Therese says:

    Beautiful. Make sure you give her a copy of this if she hasn’t read it yet. I hope you find her soon. 🙏🏻

  23. ladycee says:

    Dear Chris,
    I hope you will print and keep this so that whenever you do meet the woman of these dreams, 2yrs, 5yrs, even 10yrs down the line you will remember your words. I hope you will also give her a copy.
    One thing you can do whilst waiting is pray. Pray God will prepare you mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Pray God will likewise prepare this future woman of your dreams. And then whilst you are praying and waiting, live and enjoy your life, opportunities and writing gift.

  24. kristy chown says:

    I’m celebrating my 28th Birthday in a week so this resonates with me. I never thought I’d still be single, still be gallivanting around the world away from home, but life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. My father always used to think there was something wrong with me for still being single, but in this past year I’ve loved and been heart broken. It’s reminded me at least that there is hope, that my heart is open, and there is someone out there for me. I just haven’t found him yet. Hopefully 28 is a great year for both of us. Love your writing as always.

  25. anne leueen says:

    At 28 I did not know his name. I did not meet him till I was 34. That was 34 years, two now adult children and many ups and downs, ago. His name is David. Your person is there and you will meet her. Thank you for a lovely post.

  26. Keri Stella says:

    Some advice: wishing and wanting so badly makes your vibration push that away. Just ask the universe what you want, pray or whatever, then let it go. Then love yourself so much that you just accept what is, that maybe you don’t care so much about that anymore. Trust divine timing.

  27. tanssityttö says:

    You’re still young, you’re like I was younger. This was very touching! I’m surprised it was man who wrote this…but anyway enjoy your life when you still can. Like I said you’re young and you should have fun. You have plenty of time to find your lady! Don’t waste your energy too much of waiting for someone (like I did), cause your life is happening now and the years will go fast. Do what you love and meet people. Then some day you will find her. Remember usually the greatest things happends when you’re not waiting those to happend. (I’m the living example of that).

    Also remember love will not come easy and that pure romance in the beginning will come to it’s end. So now enjoy your freedom…or otherwise you might wake up in one day with that someone and realize you should have live more in moment earlier.

    When you’re in your 40’s and lived years with that one, you’ll understand what I ment…

  28. May more people keep the promises they make before marriage. There will be a lot of happy marriages.

  29. Phil Huston says:

    You’ll never see it coming. You just have to walk in the right door with your cosmic ears on, and nothing will ever be the same again. Where’s your book, I want to read it.

  30. Moony says:

    I’m ten years younger than you are, but I also find myself wondering if I’ll ever find ‘the one’…. Sometimes it can tough experiencing love and loss, but I think perhaps the best thing to do would be to step back and let life take you to where she’ll be. Wishing you love and luck in your journey!

  31. Raney Simmon says:

    Such a beautifully written piece. One day, you’ll find her. You just have to be patient and wait.

  32. Rose says:

    The most beautiful piece I have read in a long time. I felt every emotion with you, my heart broke a little more as yours did but most of all I felt the love I once had, the future we imagined and planned and it felt wonderful to remember all those little things that we all forget.
    Thank you, truly thank you.

  33. damn. that was touching.

  34. This is absolutely beautiful Chris! Definitely loved the passion and transparency behind it!
    The good news is that she is our there for you bud & as you continue to work on yourself you will eventually get to the point where you will look back and think it was all worth it!

    I know for me, it took a long time and I still hope & pray that I will ultimately receive the blessing of having a wife. For now, I am content with where God has me and I trust that He is preparing her heart as well as mine…

    Stay encouraged man…

  35. I have felt this way for many years. I am soon to be divorced from the person that I believe to be my ‘One’. He is still in my heart, and I hope that our story is not yet over. I even wrote a piece, titled the same as yours. It is as though they are companion pieces, in a way. Your words are very touching. May you find you her and keep her, and may she find you and never let you go. ❤

  36. alfdisr says:

    You write eloquently, beautifully, from your heart, love deserves no less. While you await the manifestations, I suggest you make you the very best version of you possible.

  37. Kylie Kathryn Turner says:

    Thank you for checking out my first blog post! Definitely a fan of your writing. The post about Lacuna kept me on edge wanting to read more.

  38. Margaret Baker says:

    You seem to be absolutely wonderful! What a pity that I am seventy five years of age. Truly I am also married, but if I had met you fifty years ago – Wow! Thank you. It was a very moving read. I shall say a prayer that you meet the woman of your dreams.

  39. You’ll find her 💗

  40. “But there’s no need to rush something that is meant to last forever.”
    This piece is such a lovely read. Your heart is so full and primed to give love to that right person, i admire your passion. Im only 19 so i’ve no knowledge of how 28 must feel, but i can tell you this: when you find the right woman, everything will fall exactly into place, and you wont have to fight for you and your lacuna’s love to come to fruition bc she will be right by your side, holding your hand, ready to take on this beautiful life with you by her side.
    In reference to the quote i pulled from your piece, never forget the old saying that patience is a virtue. My boyfriend tells me this all of the time, and while i used to reply with an eye roll, with time i have grown to accept the statement’s truth. The wait will be worth it. Good luck my friend. 😇💚

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