“Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is…”
-German Proverb
For the past five months I’ve been in a state of perpetual limbo. My health has been in question and I’ve suffered through more anxiety attacks and sleepless nights than I dare remember. In June I started experiencing abdominal pain that would eventually manifest in testicular swelling and discomfort. At one point in those early days the swelling was so severe that I took a week off work and spent my time laying on my back, staring at the ceiling. I sought medical attention, had ultrasounds, and despite the support of my family, I felt totally isolated and alone.
At first no one really knew what was wrong with me. Cancer was ruled out quite early on, as were a number of alternate illnesses and diseases. I was told to take anti-inflammatories, minimize physical activity and hope that the pain and swelling vanished. But it didn’t. So for five long months I sat in this state of apprehension and unknowing, praying that whatever was wrong with me wasn’t terminal. Hoping beyond hope that I wasn’t dying. Then last week I finally received some solid answers. I have a tear in the protective coating around my right testicle and my intestinal fluids are periodically draining into the area causing non-lethal pain and unease. I can have surgery to repair the tear, but doing so doesn’t guarantee that the issue will be resolved and surgical complications may leave me unable to have children.
To say that I have been scared over the past five months is an understatement. I’ve been petrified. I’ve cried, I’ve pleaded with my maker, and I’ve imagined my end over and over again. I have an overactive imagination at the best of times, so to find myself stripped naked in a specialists office as they search for answers was confronting and soul crushing. So I dealt with my problems like any illogical and highly emotional person would. I got drunk, I got angry, and tried my hardest to find conflict. I wanted to punch someone so badly just to feel something other than fear for the briefest of moments. Yet while I was self-destructing behind closed doors, I was also pushing myself harder and harder to write. In the darkness and isolation of shear terror I turned to my passion to save me.
I have always been a man motivated by legacies. And while I’m happy to report that I am not dying just yet, when I do there will be three measures that I use to judge the worthiness and success of the life I have lived: my writing, how many people attend my funeral, and the family I leave behind. I don’t care about money, or possessions, or being fashionable. I care about reaching out and creating lasting connections with people through the written word and social interactions. For those that I never meet I hope to touch them through my websites and manuscripts. For those that I am fortunate enough to have in my life, I hope to leave a feeling of tenderness within their heart and mind. And for the children that I am yet to have, I hope that they look back on their father and know that he gave them a beautiful life.
The epigraph at the top of this post was chosen because it signified the two alternating perspectives that have been dueling inside of my head for the past five months. The fear that has eclipsed much of my thoughts has allowed uncertainty and trepidation to fester. It’s taken the slim possibility of my own demise and turned it into something far larger than it should have ever become and threatened to push me into the depths of depression I have previously escaped from. But now that I know what is wrong with me, that same fear that left me feeling broken is now allowing another wolf to grow larger…
…Me.
In those terrible moments of loneliness when I lay atop a specialist’s table totally exposed and utterly vulnerable I learned what is really important to me. I learned that writing means more to me than my life itself. I learned that for all of my self-importance and egotistical tendencies, I want to have children of my own. And I learned above all else that even though I was afraid, I was unbreakable. To quote a rather unknown but remarkable Australian singer/songwriter, these realizations have become the bright side of my suffering.
Unlike most of my entries on The Renegade Press there are no cryptic messages or self-important dribble here. I’m not searching for bleeding hearts by sharing my humility with you, and I’m not interested in garnering any messages of support. I’m simply taking a moment to clear my head and put the past five months of ambiguity behind me before I move forward. It has been a traumatic and at times confronting period, yet I’ve managed to produce a few posts to be proud of and continue to pen my way through a follow up to Midas without falling too far behind where I would like to be.
From here the wolf grows stronger. He learns to grow through suffering . And I become unbreakable. It’s only when we are faced with overwhelming odds that we realise the depths of our own fortitude and strength. Thanks to recent events I’m fortunate enough to know mine.
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The Renegade Press 
“three measures that I use to judge the worthiness and success of the life I have lived: my writing, how many people attend my funeral, and the family I leave behind. I don’t care about money, or possessions, or being fashionable. I care about reaching out and creating lasting connections with people through the written word and social interactions” True words brotha! Someone I know who was 23 years old commited suicide a cpl weeks ago. He was the most beautiful and magical person I ever met. I have a poem inspired by him, written by one of his close friends, he made people realize what was important in life. Here it is ” My soul is contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul. I often said that I wish people could realize their dreams, wealth and fame… so that they can see that it’s not where your going to find your sense of completion. I can tell you from experience the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is, because everything you gain in life will rot, and fall apart, and all that will be left is you”
Well, you’re my friend…
And can you see…
But do you…do you know me
Do you know the thoughts I’ve got.
Do you know I have a love
For everyone I know
And I have a lust for life
I want to to live and not let go
But there are times I feel alone
And something rises up inside
It eats at my heart
And it darkens my mind
And then a dark demon
Stalks my dreams
And then a dark demon
Stalks my dreams
I need a love
To save me
From this dark demon…
Fear is the dark demon (or wolf) that stalks all our dreams.
It is good to know you faced your fears and are stronger because of the journey. Great, sensitive writing, this.
You cannot rise to the top without having scraped the bottom, enjoy the elevation my friend!
Great quote. As someone who had a decade of prostate issue as of yet still unexplained, issues with weight fluctuation, and a “bone pain” for the past five years in my left leg, plus a long history of diabetes in my family, I have had the “talk with God,” the evaluation and reevaluation of what this life means. I also landed on many of the same conclusion you do, especially that experiences not money will be the death bed items of value. Mortality is a strange thing, existence vs non existence has been the topic of truly all literature and writing on some level, even hedonism is make hay while the sun shines before age or death takes you. In short, I think you are in good company and also an accomplished writer.
Beautiful, chilling and relatable. You sound like a writer. 🙂
Reblogged this on KCJones.
Gosh, how unbelievably raw and honest. And, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but for a man, this is so rare. Each sentence is so perfectly crafted. You are an amazing writer.
A brave story, Chris, and a good proxy life lesson for those of us who “suffer” differently. Cheering you on in your healing path…and in living by what you’ve learned.
Reblogged this on everthedreamerblog and commented:
I found this a truly inspiring piece on the strength and resiliency of the human spirit. Best wishes to you, Chris!
Merci for visiting 24/7 in France, author of “Solitary Desire-One Woman’s Journey to France” (video http://youtu.be/xG_YTa5sDac) & wishing you all the best!
Hi Chris:
Sounds like you’re pretty young, yet.
Consider yourself fortunate if this is the worst thing that ever happens to you.
I listened to an elderly Jewish woman describe her childhood in a Nazi death camp, watching her entire family being slaughtered.
“We carry on.” she summarized this life-altering experience so austerely, “It’s what we do.”
Personal tragedies that have brought me to my knees pale in comparison to this woman’s experience.
Perspective, my young friend.
Best of fortune to you.
Take care & keep in touch,
Pazlo
As a disabled Veteran who has faced death multiple times I can relate and feel for you, young man. And I applaud you for working through the range of emotions and finding your way clear to move forward (because I’ve seen what happens to those who cannot, and it isn’t pretty). Excellent post!
An excellently expressed and moving post.
We don’t realise how strong we are till we are faced with overwhelming odds. So right. I wish you all the best as we journey together through your writings.
I wish I could see this bright side too…
Reblogged this on vequinox.
There are posts that are so well written it moves emotive energy through us. I think what we have here is exactly that. Raw and eloquent like nature herself. I’m thrilled to read something that tethers me back to this earth with feeling. Thanks.
Measures, measures, my friend, in a rational world. What about, on the other side of the coin, the size of your heart, and the extent to which you will have expanded it?
It is time to reach for the spiritual within. This is what those fears are calling you to do.
Sending Love & much Light along the way
Truly glad I chanced upon this post. Thank you for taking the time to go through my efforts – which was the reason I came across this. Lovely writing, and from the heart. A treat. Will look out for your works.
I wish you your health and happiness in coming years x
A very brave blog that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Here’s to a successful and happy 2016 for you.
Fantastic writing Chris, I’m glad you’ve come through your illness feeling stronger. Oh and thanks for liking my recent post too.
beaut writing my friend
That was really worth reading and I am glad that I did. I am happy that you are still around and did not have to face cancer or life threatening illness. Wishing you a very good and positive 2016 with lots of great inspiration for your writing.
Kind regards
Agnes
This post caused a feeling in my belly I cannot quite capture in words, but that is what inspires a writer, creating a physical reaction for the reader. Mission accomplished.
Best wishes to you.
Reblogged this on Still Another Writer's Blog.
Saw you liked a post thought I should check you out, great to connect 🙂
Fate whispers to the warrior, You cannot withstand the storm !!! The warrior whispers back, I am the storm. B O O M ❤ Blessings
Hope the operation goes alright…
My spirit is a wolf as well. I always like meeting kindred.
Anxiety has caused me stomach nausea. I feel for you.
I know this is a personal post but I just wanted to comment on your writing.It’s such a well written post, that had me reading till the end (which is always rare on the internet these days).
Words are life! Be blessed in your quest :)+
Your words are authentic and it is through speaking and writing that we process our life. Well done! And – thank you for liking my recent “I’m Vacuuming” post!
Kudos to you for finding strength and meaning during those difficult times. There’s people in my life I know of with chronic pain and it can be really heart-breaking to see others go through that, especially when there might be no end to the pain in sight or no medical explanation for it. I believe we come out of hard times stronger, wiser and more resilient though. I love that German proverb you included. I wish you the best in the new year.
There is indeed the bright side of suffering ! Wisdom, perfecting, transformation, learning, reflection, endurance, hope, growth, maturity, humility and much more issue therefrom. Interesting read. Thanks for sharing.
curious? Just how old are you? Once I know that I have several comments – all good!
Hi. I’m twenty seven years old. Does this impact any comments that you have?
I may never know how you feel because I have never been under auch circumstances except suffering from pneumonia. ..and that there’s still no reason as to why i suffer from b12 and low hb defencies… but I will only say one thing..which you already are…be strong and make it through because you can and you will and you have.
All the best for your future and may you fulfill your dream of a good blessed life…
One thing for sure I saw clear in your writing is…not once is mentioned…*why me* shows how strong you are =)
Hi Chris,
Thanks for stopping by and liking my post. You’re doing some great writing work on this blog. Best luck blogging! I’m a medical practitioner, by the way, and would be happy to help if you need to ask something about your health. Just drop me a mail at harshad.rajandekar@gmail.com .
Best regards,
Dr. Harshad R.
Reblogged this on Re-theologizing and commented:
God – you and I must Talk and yes Jesus was a man like us
Reblogged on Retheologizing
https://efo8.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/a-bright-side-of-suffering/
Funny I should run into this right now after you liked a post of mine – after months of back and forth between doctors I was just diagnosed with lupus. Like you, it lead me to that “Well, what is it that I want to leave behind should my expiration date be sooner than I thought?” I haven’t gotten around to writing about it yet but you’ve just inspired me, so thank you!
This is really very powerful. Thanks for sharing. I am still milling over writing about the power of embracing the hardships and negative emotions that make up our life. Your truth and honesty are an inspiration for me to keep at it. Best wishes.
Wow! I read your entire post and was quite moved by your honesty and vulnerability
Thank you for sharing your journey… wishing you all the best!
Peace!
Tamara
Very much enjoyed reading of your strength through the fears, the anger and the depression. You know yourself. A lot of people cannot say that. Well written.