“Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is…”
-German Proverb
For the past five months I’ve been in a state of perpetual limbo. My health has been in question and I’ve suffered through more anxiety attacks and sleepless nights than I dare remember. In June I started experiencing abdominal pain that would eventually manifest in testicular swelling and discomfort. At one point in those early days the swelling was so severe that I took a week off work and spent my time laying on my back, staring at the ceiling. I sought medical attention, had ultrasounds, and despite the support of my family, I felt totally isolated and alone.
At first no one really knew what was wrong with me. Cancer was ruled out quite early on, as were a number of alternate illnesses and diseases. I was told to take anti-inflammatories, minimize physical activity and hope that the pain and swelling vanished. But it didn’t. So for five long months I sat in this state of apprehension and unknowing, praying that whatever was wrong with me wasn’t terminal. Hoping beyond hope that I wasn’t dying. Then last week I finally received some solid answers. I have a tear in the protective coating around my right testicle and my intestinal fluids are periodically draining into the area causing non-lethal pain and unease. I can have surgery to repair the tear, but doing so doesn’t guarantee that the issue will be resolved and surgical complications may leave me unable to have children.
To say that I have been scared over the past five months is an understatement. I’ve been petrified. I’ve cried, I’ve pleaded with my maker, and I’ve imagined my end over and over again. I have an overactive imagination at the best of times, so to find myself stripped naked in a specialists office as they search for answers was confronting and soul crushing. So I dealt with my problems like any illogical and highly emotional person would. I got drunk, I got angry, and tried my hardest to find conflict. I wanted to punch someone so badly just to feel something other than fear for the briefest of moments. Yet while I was self-destructing behind closed doors, I was also pushing myself harder and harder to write. In the darkness and isolation of shear terror I turned to my passion to save me.
I have always been a man motivated by legacies. And while I’m happy to report that I am not dying just yet, when I do there will be three measures that I use to judge the worthiness and success of the life I have lived: my writing, how many people attend my funeral, and the family I leave behind. I don’t care about money, or possessions, or being fashionable. I care about reaching out and creating lasting connections with people through the written word and social interactions. For those that I never meet I hope to touch them through my websites and manuscripts. For those that I am fortunate enough to have in my life, I hope to leave a feeling of tenderness within their heart and mind. And for the children that I am yet to have, I hope that they look back on their father and know that he gave them a beautiful life.
The epigraph at the top of this post was chosen because it signified the two alternating perspectives that have been dueling inside of my head for the past five months. The fear that has eclipsed much of my thoughts has allowed uncertainty and trepidation to fester. It’s taken the slim possibility of my own demise and turned it into something far larger than it should have ever become and threatened to push me into the depths of depression I have previously escaped from. But now that I know what is wrong with me, that same fear that left me feeling broken is now allowing another wolf to grow larger…
…Me.
In those terrible moments of loneliness when I lay atop a specialist’s table totally exposed and utterly vulnerable I learned what is really important to me. I learned that writing means more to me than my life itself. I learned that for all of my self-importance and egotistical tendencies, I want to have children of my own. And I learned above all else that even though I was afraid, I was unbreakable. To quote a rather unknown but remarkable Australian singer/songwriter, these realizations have become the bright side of my suffering.
Unlike most of my entries on The Renegade Press there are no cryptic messages or self-important dribble here. I’m not searching for bleeding hearts by sharing my humility with you, and I’m not interested in garnering any messages of support. I’m simply taking a moment to clear my head and put the past five months of ambiguity behind me before I move forward. It has been a traumatic and at times confronting period, yet I’ve managed to produce a few posts to be proud of and continue to pen my way through a follow up to Midas without falling too far behind where I would like to be.
From here the wolf grows stronger. He learns to grow through suffering . And I become unbreakable. It’s only when we are faced with overwhelming odds that we realise the depths of our own fortitude and strength. Thanks to recent events I’m fortunate enough to know mine.
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What a brave piece, and beautifully told. Best of luck!
Your posts never fail to leave at awe but right now, what keeps me tongue-tied is your strength. I hope that all goes well with you, and that you become mightier as a wolf in this concrete jungle.
“If the bear sees the trap; he cannot be caught.” -Russian Proverb. Good post, man! I like the wolf proverb.
A beautiful post. I’ve just read “Being Mortal”by Atul Gawande. While it recommends ways for old folks like myself to accept coming death, ( at 82 I’ll soon publish my first book,) it teaches a lesson you seem to have learned—cultivate joy and acceptance. Focus on what works and don’t spin your wheels with fear and anxiety over what doesn’t.
well said and congrats on your first book!
I’m glad you’re not on your deathbed, but sorry for the pain you’ve been dealing with. It’s good to see that you still have that fighting spirit! I’m looking forward to seeing the next installment of the Midas saga.
Beautiful post and reminiscent of what I went through a few months back when I had a medical condition diagnosed. In knowing what it is, we can move forth from the anxiety that held us hostage. In knowing, we can make decisions and grow beyond who we already are. In having died once, on the brink of that crippling fear, we rebirth.
Some are wolves and some aren’t. I’m glad that you are!
You are far stronger than you realize, you have such perseverance in you that you didn’t know. I too had my share of medical issues last November and at that time I was feeling how you were but I took it one day at a time, I put one foot in front of the other. I love how you looked at the bright side of your pain. You took the proactive stance to it. I do hope you get better and that you never loose the positivity you have now.
Thank you.
So sorry to hear about your health problems. Thanks for sharing and hope that you recover soon and please continue to write and post. I enjoy reading your posts and would miss you if you stopped.
Shine On
You don’t need our adulations, comiserations, or sympathy, but you have my gratitude for taking the personal into something much larger, but still relateable. Thank you.
Your strength makes us all stronger. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story…….
Ann
Better a wolf that dies valiantly than a poodle who lives with no dignity. Having said that, seek the help of traditional Chinese healers on inflammation reduction. I’ve dealt with other area inflammation that no one else could help, modern medicine kept scratching it’s head. My wife the same, my father healed in a week what professors and specialists couldn’t do in months. I wish you a wolverine victory and speedy healing. Blood flow is your friend, gentle movement in water so it’s not dramatic will assist.
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing. So many of us have gone through similar and kept it to ourselves, myself included. I wish you peace as you move forward.
It sounds as though your physical symptoms are a manifestations of the stresses you’re experiencing psychological, and, the only thing you can do about that is work through it, digging deep into your mind, until everything comes out, and, this is an excruciating process, but it can be done. Hope you feel better soon!
I admire your strength and courage. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story. Very inspiring!
beautifully written !! The Medical ailment shall pass by and i sure a writer of a far greater gravitas shall emerge from all of this suffering
I’m sorry to hear about all the problems you’ve been dealing with, but at the same time am happy to see that you’ve come out of that darkness and used it to become stronger, rather than trying to forget about it altogether. Using your pain to focus on creating something you love is one of the strangest, most miraculous gifts human beings possess, and I hope you do something you think is beautiful with yours.
I like this post.
I don’t like that you’ve been so unwell, worried and gone through so much in the last few months but I like that it has at least given you the opportunity to see things from an angle which (unfortunately) most only ever see when their time really is up and they’re nearing the end.
I hope you start to feel better soon but mostly; I hope you don’t lose this new outlook on life and / or waste what is a fantastic opportunity to life your life and do what’s important.
Take care. 🙂
*Live your life even.
There is always a brighter side to suffering. Those are the times when we realise what is important to us and grow spiritually. With the lessons learnt I am sure you are on the right path now. All the best.
Raw and beautifully written. Wishing you all the best.
Man, I have so much anxiety that I have panic attacks about people attending my funerals- but that’s just me.
You’ve gone through hell and back and now you’re reborn – truly ready to live a life that will make a difference. I’m inspired. Good luck and I hope to read more about your journey.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. You’re a fighter who has faced fear head on. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and get well soon! Eva
We have to be the wolf … If not… We’re lambs…
You´re exactly right, only when we grow stronger with adversity in our path tell me about it. Although I should add that there are people that brake, so as the saying goes “what doesn´t kill you makes you stronger” and some people unfortunately adversity does “kill” them. But having said that, I´m glad you pulled out and by the way, great way of expressing through this narrative the theme.
I hope you are now on the road to total recover. OUCH! Five months of that kind of pain would have driven me insane. Knowing it is something you can do something about must have been such a relief.
I wrote a post called “For Just Five Minutes” about my bout with depression and how I rose out f the depths. I now have a book at the publisher’s by the same title. One never knows what one thing will push them over the brink and I into that dark, sad world.It really took a miracle to lift my spirits from the pit. I am so glad you,too, have overcome.
À votre santé!
I know how it feels when you have life and colours and suddenly one thing changes it all. It happened with them twice-first when I lost someone I loved a lot to cancer, and second when I learnt I had scoliosis, migraine, breathing problems… It tore me apart.
For the last few years I’ve been trying to put up a brave, lively face and drinking my tears but strangely all these things have bettered me – made me more sensitive towards other living beings, made me become a little writer, made me live my life to the fullest.
I know there are times when you’d feel insufficient, less blessed, unlucky, a failure and a lot worse, but lemme tell you: you aren’t unlucky, insufficient. Neither did you commit a sin in the last birth. You are the kindest, beautiful soul with the purest heart.
Maybe the Almighty wanted you to take your life more seriously, find out the meaning of true love, see who stands with you and who doesn’t, maybe he wanted you to start loving and caring your self a little more? That’s how I, sometimes, console myself.
P.S. Smile more, love yourself, and do the things that you love.
I understand. For the past few years I’ve seen nothing but darkness in my future and the fear is paralyzing.
I hope you moved forward after this, Good luck in your writings in your life, I hope that one day you will see your own kids and you will live a happy life full with happy moments, believe in this and you can do it.
Those are powerful words. Keep fighting, and of course writing!
Well, perhaps not so much sympathy as empathy; I can truly, personally (experientially) understand much of what you’ve penned in your very well-written article. All the best to you, then, and thank you for visiting my little corner in the World of Blog.
Well written article, thanks for sharing your personal struggles. I can unfortunately relate to the isolating and overwhelming feelings from sickness. Sometimes though I feel lucky because it forces you to look at life in a way you never have before and a way that others just cant. You have to dig a lot deeper and care less about the unimportant things in life. For this we can grow and be grateful.
Thanks so much for your post.
I’ve also been struggling through some health issues recently which has caused a lot of pain and had no diagnosis for a long time. Just like you I will need to have surgery to help and the issues I have will make it unlikely that I can ever have children.
We must pray, pray, pray. All things can be accomplished by the Father. He is so mighty.
Good luck and blessings to you.
This was definately an interesting read… Whenever something bad happens to me, I try to do something good so I’ll feel better. I don’t want recognition so much as acknowledgement. Are they the same? LOL! I really liked the theme, but that last thought kind of grabbed me! It made me think of how toughened up I’ve become just in the last 5 years. Excellent title! Capturing read!
I’m thankful for the adversity that strikes each of us…even though it takes me a while to work and walk through the chaos and pain. I admire your fortitude, your forthrightness, and your willingness to share. Thanks.
I wish you the best with your physical and emotional pain. I get stressed and fearful of possibilities quite often too. Your confessions and your vulnerability in this post is touching. One thing I’ve noticed about life is that people underestimate their persistence and their strengths. When we are presented with a major obstacle in our life, it is easy to simply think we cannot handle the situation, break down, and give up. It’s the easier option. But the benefit in pressing forward is that later on in life your obstacles will not define you. You will look back at your obstacles in pride instead of sadness. Good luck.
Beautifully written.
May survival of the fittest include your wolf amongst the darkness…
PS: thanks for liking some of my posts as well…
I loved this. Thanks for sharing and for promoting thoughts of my own legacy. Best to you!
“It’s only when we are faced with overwhelming odds that we realize the depths of our own fortitude and strength.” – Love this. For once I didn’t felt so alone because someone else had felt how I felt. Your words make me stronger, cause through all of your problems, pains and suffering you are fighting to overcome every problem that stands your way.
Beautifully written, Chris. Though in different ways, I’m sure all have felt “totally exposed and utterly vulnerable” before. It’s a difficult place to be, but you are correct that we can come out stronger on the other side. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for the like. I’ll pray for complete an speedy recovery.
What a heart-felt blog – I truly empathize, I have had many cancer scares because of congenital cysts and I also have an anxiety disorder. My way of dealing with it was to fill my life with as many bucket list, compassionate and scary things so as to make a short life well lived. The upside is I am now 55, am healthier and look better than I ever have before and I am not scared of death. I have helped two friends through cancer crises and feel stronger in my spirit. I think this experience will make you truly love life and many years of it. Good health! K x
“A man motivated by legacies…” Great line. Hope you are well.