A few months ago my partner and I bought a puzzle. We were in a bookstore stocking up on novels and she turned to me and said that she’d love to buy a puzzle and spend some time sitting down as a couple and putting it together. Ecstatic just to be spending time with her, I agreed, and we brought home one thousand little cardboard shapes that when aligned together in the correct sequence would show a view of the Amalfi coastline. I thought it would be easy. And that it would be fun. But while she could effortlessly match pieces together and allow the picture to take shape, I struggled horribly just to find two interconnected pieces, swore a lot, and eventually gave up.
I didn’t realise it at the time, but that puzzle wasn’t just a way for us to spend time together, it was a symbol that represented my life, who I was, who I am supposed to be, and just how much I love the girl who sat patiently with me while I steamed with frustration at my inability to perform the most simplistic of tasks.
Agh. I need to stop for a second, and just get something off of my chest… Before I go any further I just want to acknowledge that what I am about to say is going to hurt so fucking much. By the end of this post I’ll be an emotional wreck. I’m about to tell you that I screwed up. Bad. And that I’m a fake. Because despite all of the pretentious bullshit that I post on this site, I’ve only just figured out who it is that I really am, and it took losing the woman that I want to spend my life with to realise that.
For twenty-seven years I have been trying to piece together the puzzle of Chris Nicholas. During that time I have been sitting in the darkness of my bedroom staring down at thousands of little cardboard shapes spread across the floor that define who I am, struggling to make sense of how they all fit together. I have been a son, a brother, a writer, a friend, a student, work colleague, and so much else. Yet I have never really understood how one piece of my life was supposed to fit into the next.
And then I met Sofie. I met this beautiful woman who was so much smarter than I could ever be. And before I even asked for her help, she came into my bedroom, switched on the light and sat down opposite me and helped me to start sorting through the little pieces of me that were scattered across the floor. I watched in amazement as she found pieces of who I am that were connected, and slotted them together, slowly allowing a picture of my life to take shape.
It took a long time; two years in fact for her and I to work together and take the little cardboard shapes and put them together, but as each piece fell into place I began to recognize the picture that was taking shape. It wasn’t really the image that I had imagined, but who was I to question the universe and the way that my life was destined to unfold?
I saw a wolf, bearing its fangs, with what looked like the world clutched between its paws. It looked strong; fearsome even, and I saw Sofie standing beside him with a look of astonishment on her face. As I looked at the picture positioned between us on the floor, something inside of me changed and I became the beast that I saw staring up at me from the half completed puzzle. I saw a monster, and I became him. And I have never fucked up so badly in my life.
I started to call myself a wolf; and I became headstrong and stubborn. I saw the world held within the paws of the beast inside the puzzle, and I tried to follow suit. I pursued my writing with reckless abandon, amassing an audience and producing a lot of self-indulgent bullshit. And all the while, Sofie watched me with a slightly bemused look, and kept putting together pieces of my puzzle as though she didn’t understand what I had become, or why I seemed so angry.
Then, just over a month ago she left. She told me that she was tired, and that I had let her down. So she stood up, and walked out of my life, taking a single piece of the puzzle we had worked so hard to create with her. I cried a lot that day. And I’ve cried every day since. Because when she left I stood up and I shifted myself into her place, and looked down at the puzzle of my life from where she had been sitting and realized that we had created an ambigram; an image that when looked upon from different angles shows an entirely different picture.
Sofie wasn’t putting together a puzzle of a wolf, or a world eater, and we were never putting together my puzzle; it was ours. From where she had been sitting the image that stared up at her wasn’t of a vicious beast bearing its fangs; it was me: Chris Nicholas, down on one knee with a smile of pure joy spread across my face. In my hands was a box, not the world, and inside of that box was a piece of jewelry designed to be worn on her finger that said “I want to spend my life with you.” From this angle she didn’t look bemused, astonished, or afraid. She was happy, and her lips were pursed together as though she was about to make this version of me the happiest man in the world by uttering one simple word.
From where she had been sitting, our puzzle was complete; except for the final piece that she had taken with her. I had spent two years looking at what we were creating from the wrong angle, and while she was piecing together an image of a future filled with happiness, my own stupidity made me believe that in order to provide for her I needed to embrace the devil inside of me.
For the past month I have spent my time sitting in the spot where Sofie used to sit, staring down at the image of her and I with a huge smile spread across my face, and tears streaming down my cheeks. It’s a beautiful image, and one that makes my heart flutter. When I close my eyes and imagine the future it looks just like the image in the puzzle of us, and knowing that is so bitter-sweet. Sofie is the only woman I will ever write about; the only woman whose achievements I will ever celebrate as greater than my own; and the only woman that I would ever want to love and spend my entire life with.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to see her again, but I hope and I pray every day that eventually our worlds will collide one more time and she can come and sit down on the floor beside me and place the final piece of our puzzle; the one that represents my heart, into the image of her and I. If that day never arrives… Well, at least I can say that I spent two wonderful years with the woman that I love more than anything. The memories that we created together will last a lifetime, and the love that I have for her will continue long after she has forgotten about the time we spent piecing together the puzzle of our lives.
Now that I have seen life from the other side of the ambigram, I know that I don’t want to be the devil anymore. I want to be the man in the picture that Sofie has always been able to see. The hopelessly devoted romantic, down on his knee, allowing himself to be totally vulnerable in front of the woman that he loves more than he has ever loved writing, or anything else. I screwed up because my perspectives were all wrong; I was never meant to be a wolf, I was only ever meant to be a man, and a lover to the most incredible woman that I have ever met.
I’m writing this to say that I’m letting go of the love of my life for a little while. Because as cliche as it sounds, sometimes when you love something (or someone) you have to set it free. But there will not be a day that passes where I don’t look at the almost completed puzzle of us and whisper a silent prayer that she comes back and we finish what we started together. I have never wanted anything like I want a life with her; and I have never been so willing to be vulnerable and unafraid to embrace who I am. In the past month I have realised how wonderful my life is, and how hopelessly in love I am. For the first time in my life I know exactly who I am, and exactly who I want to devote my life to. And while letting go hurts like hell, I have never been more proud the man that I have become, or more determined to be the person that I should have always been.
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A truly powerful and heartfelt admission of true love. I hope your dreams come true. I’m rooting for you, Chris.
Sorry about your lost love, and, you must work on yourself, to make you whole first, you can’t look for someone else, i.e. partner/girlfriend or whatever, to make you whole, you must deal with whatever it is still not up to the surfaces, just keep on digging, and, find out everything you can about yourself, and, eventually, after you’d known ALL the aspects that made you into you, you will then be ready, for a better, a more equally-balanced, more complete, and more fulfilling love. Just keep on working on you, and, you will be fine…
Believe me when I say that I have definitely worked on myself, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
Meeting Sofie has made me want to become a better person, and it’s made me realise that there are no depths to the love one person can have for another.
I, just like everyone else am a work in progress, and I know that if Sofie could fall in love with the devil inside of me, then she must have truely loved me. She saw me at my worst, and she loved me regardless. One day we’ll meet again and she’ll see the very best of me.
i don’t doubt it, and, maybe, you and Sophie are over, for now, but hey, who knows, maybe destiny will have the two of you meet back up again sometime in the future, when you’re, even more mature, and then, you will be able to, begin a brand new love with her once more…
she gave you an immense gift by leaving. you are starting to see that. This is so beautiful. Thank you Chris. May you be brave, and gentle with yourself. i’ve made this mistake as well.
Sorry about the love that left. But it’s great that you cherish the love that’s left and still stays and grows. Maybe someday… I hope and pray and wish all the best for you.
Why wait till you meet her again? You love her, you haved changed you say, well, make an appointment and show the new you to her. Give her a chance to meet the new you. Otherwise maybe you could spend your entire life waiting till the two of you will meet by chance . And overlooking a person that maybe loves you as much as Sofi did and can be loved by you as much as you have loved Sofi. At my age a person knows there can be more than one great love in ones life.
I guess I’m allowing her time to breathe. I’ve been so desperate to show her my love for the past month that as much as it hurts me to let go for a moment Sofie needs a chance to be herself.
It has taken me twenty seven years to find someone I love as much as I love her. If I have to sacrifice a moment in time to let her heal before I have a chance at being the man she’s always seen then so be it.
hi Chris,
you have me confused. I did think that you have been looking to find out who you are for a month and also to learn what she had seen when you two made that puzzle. And you wrote not being sure about ever meeting her again.
But in your comment, you say ( as far as I understand) that you have been showing Sofi how much you love her during passed month.
And now Sofi needs a moment to be herself? And she needs to heal ( and you being sort of chivalrous to sacrifice a moment in time allowing her to do that) ?
O dear, O dear.
Is she realy a damsell in distress that needs a holy knight in white armor to rescue her? And to look up to?
Or is she a strong young woman loving to have a partner equal to herself? (And being equal to her does not meen you can not love and worship her.)
English being not my language I can not say what I realy want to say. But I do wish you, and Sofi, a lot of happiness, together or apart.
Wow…awesome
Your story brought a few tears to my eye. I wish you all the best, and I can only imagine how awful that must feel.
“Everything happens for a reason” Are the wise words an old friend of mine left me with. They have helped me through a lot of hard times.
I hope some day she will come back. Have faith oN God
I really hope one day I’m lucky enough to find someone who loves me the same way you describe your love for Sofie. I think even if you are apart now, two people who are meant to be together will find there way back to one another – as cheesy as it sounds, I really do believe this 😊 I hope one day I’m reading a post about your rekindled relationship with Sofie. I feel like I need to signpost her to your blog so she can read what you’re writing for herself!
There was your post “Roses” a month ago and now this.
In January 2013 I crushed my world (!) and my partner of 10 years -we had 2 children (my partner’s from a previous relationship), been through absolute thick and thin- said no more. Thats it. I want a divorce! My behaviour had become very difficult and challenging but in a life that has has had a lot of trauma, the following 2 years involved the most trauma that I had known. I didn’t want the separation and I wanted us back again… but we went through the legal system and everything was divided in my partner’s favour; I loved my partner, I still do because… well, ten years is going to live an imprint, and I though if I give them that then they might see that I am trying to make amends and “come back to the table” so-to-speak.
But no. September 2015 was the last time we communicated -via text and email regarding a legal issue- and my partner made it clear that I should never contact them again. The kids are adults and if they want to see me then that’s their choice but my ex has nothing to do with it. And I have rebuilt my life -hmm, I am rebuilding it. There is a new partner and I am rebooting my career and friendship circle as many friends were divided when my ex and I separated and I lost their support.
It’s not easy but it is possible. Thousands, if not millions of people have done it before us throughout history -or are ding it now like us- to lesser or greater degrees than us.
You are just going through the process. This. Is the process. Acknowledge it, and walk. And keep walking. The scenery will change.
As someone once said to me: Life is a film, not a photograph.
You are re-playing my life. Just like me, you get to write the last chapter in our book of life. The best apology is changed behavior!
Excellent analogy and self-reflection here. Relationships help shape us, and it looks like you learned a lot from this one.
If she loves you anywhere as deeply as you love her, then you two will be together. This post is heartbreaking, but I am happy for you too. I have not followed you for very long, but you seemed a tortured soul. Despite the pain of this separation, I am happy that you have found some peace and happiness with who you are.
what cecile53 said in her last post.
yes! this! “Is she realy a damsell in distress that needs a holy knight in white armor to rescue her? And to look up to?
Or is she a strong young woman loving to have a partner equal to herself? (And being equal to her does not meen you can not love and worship her.)”
idk why I was guided to read this, nor why I was guided to comment, but here I am.
Jesus Christ, Chris, you sound heartbroken. I’m sorry. This is an awful feeling.
You see, I have been a Sophie in my own life, and I hear the underlying truth in your words, the sentence structures, the fractals of details, the darkness that you feel is weighing you down though the light surround is so bright it could be considered blinding.
Sophie, though she’s tired, would want you to know this:
You can do it. You don’t need her to fit together the pieces of your puzzle. It’s your puzzle.
It’s your puzzle, Chris.
It won’t work, though, if your ultimate goal is to get Sophie back. You have to do it for you.
As one who has been Sophie several times in my own life, I want you to know that your willingness to share your truth wholeheartedly does shift hurting toward healing.
Not just for you, Chris, but for Sophie as well.
Take good care.
tendril, wise indeed.
Har har
Wow, that was unbelievably powerful. I’ve been in similar shoes on the other, with the ring on the finger, and realized the man I was supposed to marry didn’t fit into my life. We did not want the same things or have the same goals. I walked away, and as painful as that was it led me to the life I have now. I hope someday you’ll have the chance to complete your puzzle and feel happiness again.
I wish you well, Chris, whatever happens, whether you and Sofie connect together as you wish for, or not, you will both have been a part of transformation for each other. Most relationships are not those of a devil and an angel, anyway, but an accommodation of bits in both which are broken and bits which are trying to heal
“…whisper a silent prayer that she comes back…” I have news, honey – she ain’t coming back unless you tell her all this stuff! It sounds to me like you are reliving the life of an ex boyfriend of mine who ‘preferred to wait and see what happened’ about our relationship. 30 years later he is still alone.
yeah skyscapes i think you try to tell him the same as I tried
I’m sorry this happened to you… but there’s always something to learn… And you learned a lot about yourself. I hope you find happiness. 🙂
Thanks for sharing. ❤
Tough lesson to learn. I am so sorry and pray Sophie crosses your path again someday. There’s a line from the movie Love Actually that eight-year-old Sam said to his stepfather: the scenario (Sam’s mom has died prior to this):
Daniel: So what’s the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe… school – are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won’t be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that’s the case, yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is… actually… I’m in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I’m in love and I was before she died, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren’t you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, well, okay… right. Well, I mean, I’m a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you’re right. Yeah, total agony.
I feel like this is what I have been going through, with my wife of 22 years. I felt that devil inside me that said be this way and that instead of being what she wanted and needed me to be. Hopefully I saw that before it was to late and I have been trying each day to become a better husband, friend and all to her. Patience is a huge aspect of it all with time mixed in. I know we will never get back what we had and I think that is a good thing. Maybe we can build something better, but I can’t see the future and who knows maybe I was to late. I sure hope not, but until then I have found a piece in the new man I am becoming. Thanks for sharing, I know how hard it is to share something so personnel like that.
Reblogged this on Still Another Writer's Blog and commented:
Ouch. Sounds like the “Saturn Return” is starting for you…. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return
What a beautiful declaration….(I am lost for words). Thank you for sharing this revelation with us…wow
I can see why Sophie was in love with you. Maybe now, you saw it too. Hope everything turns out to be OK.
Oh man you should leave that relationship since it sounds like idol-worship from your description. Putting the image together ? Quit it now.
She took something but she left something, too. Your heart is here, in your writing.
Dear Chris,
I saw two sides to my partner ,when me first got to know each other. At the time, I called him Jekyll and Hyde – the Hyde was, and still is, within him – an angry, disillusioned, cynical and yet, to me, vulnerable ‘him’. The ‘him’ I fell in love with was the opposite – cheerful, sexy, kind, and he made me laugh and it felt like we were soul mates. I stuck with Jekyll (the man I had puzzled together) and tolerated Hyde…but…he had to prove to me he loved me because I had my own ‘stuff’ going on. He had to put Jekyll before Hyde in these proving moments, the ‘down on one knee’ moments. Thankfully, he did this and we survived the rocky road.
Well, we’re still together after 30 years. Westill adore each other and I love the Jekyll and the Hyde in him now, something achieved over time. I wouldn’t want any other man, just as you feel about Sophie. And I now know, all these years later, how incredibly lucky it was that we met each other in the first place.
I’m just telling you all this in case it helps with some more of that perspective. Some food for thought.
On another note, it’s great that you have found yourself more fully, it took me a painful ‘loss’ of a different kind to come back to myself – loss in itself demands change.
Take care and good luck.
WOW. That was powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. You sir are brave, and courage is coming through you. Maybe the wolf is becoming a lion?
I would just like to remind you that you don’t need to change for anyone. Not even Sophie. I know it must be painful and hurt one heckuva lot that she left you … but remember in every setback lies a blessing, it helped you discover what you now know about yourself!
Sophie can’t give you happiness. Only you can do that. Please find it on your own, don’t look for it in some desperate hopeful image of a future perfectly laid-out puzzle. I promise you that if you do, ‘she’ will come along and your paths will cross once again.
Everyone has different advice based on their life experiences. I’m older and will side with a few of the other older respondents. Sofie needs to read what you have written. Then if she needs to take some time, she can do that. Maybe she needs to see that you really mean it by your actions. One thing I am sure of, she is not a mind or heart reader. If you don’t tell her how you feel, she can only assume that you don’t care that she left.
agreeing with Ighiggins 🙂
Thanks for the Like! Great blog by the way:)
Finally someone has come up with the correct concept of a relationship. Life together is indeed a puzzle. We have to make ourselves fit into it to created the beautiful masterpiece of “together forever”. However, unlike the jigsaw we can shape ourselves to fit into it by stretching and cutting corners which is a boon, As usual, i love the way you convey your emotions into words. Keep it up. May God hasten in finding the partner you are destined for.
It took twenty five years to find the partner I was destined for. And we had two incredible years together.
I believe in fate. And I believe that one day I’ll get to complete my puzzle with the girl of my dreams. It’s just going to take a little while for us to reunite and put the final piece together.
Wonderful work. Deep indeed.
Fantastic story telling from the heart. I know exactly how you feel as I’ve been there before. You’re doing the right thing, surrendering. Once we let go of the image that we have about what may have been, we give the Universe the chance to give us a life that will blow our mind. I pray that will include Sofie – which I believe that it might.
I hope that she reads this and one day soon when both of you are healed, she comes back to you. Much love on your journey my friend.
This is so beautiful and I want to emphasise how much I loved reading this post by telling you I specifically searched how to leave a comment on here because despite having my blog for about 2 years I am still very much an amateaur. May you continue to spread inspiring messages and share your experiences with us 🙂 have a lovely day.
Powerful words, Chris. That is the way it goes when you write from the heart. You have poured your soul into this piece and now, for awhile, you can work on your life. Sofie is never far from you because you carry her in your heart. When you are finished the work in progress that you are, and she has completed her journey, there will be a fork in the road where you will meet. You will just smile and hold out your hand and she will accept. No words will be necessary. Wishing you peace and strength.
Sometimes we need the time to become whole and solid. when we are not at peace internally , all our relationships suffer
Beautiful analogy.
Really a beautiful analogy. If you really mean, that you have changed and now understand what she needs too, then I don’t think, that you should wait too long to contact her and make a date for a meeting.
You will have the risk, that the more time away from you, as you give her, the more she will think about, it was the best for her to leave. If you don’t contact her, she could also think; Oh, didn’t he have more feelings for me?
Wish you all good luck 🙂
I liked that wolf. He seemed vulnerable and loveable in his own way. Granted, he may view me as his dinner, but I can’t like him any less for being a wolf. We see so many videos of tamed carnivores in captivity. Lions behaving like kittens, bears, and dogs at play. There’s hope that without losing their essence, our inner wolves may accept domesticity.
Here’s wishing you well.
God Bless,
Don
This is so amazing. I am so so sorry for you, but I have to say you’re a great writer. Now I want to write something similar, and I know exactly who my ‘Sofie’ was but she was only a friend (only! ha!).
Wishing you all the best.
This post is brilliant. I really relate to the vulnerability of loneliness, the hours spent both smiling and tearing up over those I have lost either through disconnection or true loss. I will be reading the rest of your posts, you have an excellent writing style.
The only contribution I can make is to invite you to reflect upon how many times you repeat ‘I’ in your post. Apart from a scattering of fairly formulaic tributes to how wonderful Sofie is, you say very little about her, and her needs. To me, love is selflessness – the need to protect and care for another; to look after their wants and fulfill their desires. that takes a lot of time. It leaves very little room for self-indulgence and introspection. Why do I read so many egotistical posts these days? No-one is immune, it seems. Good luck in regaining Sofie’s love. Then spend every waking hour helping her to find herself, and ask yourself which pieces of her puzzle matter most to her.
Thank you for sharing that heartfelt story. It took a lot of courage to open up so freely. I wish you well.
An inspirational post and reflection… I’m glad I’ve stumbled upon your site. 🙂
What a brave and powerful post to be so open and vulnerable on the worldwide web. I am sorry for this difficult lesson that you have learned but, also, thankful, that you have learned it, and my prayer is that you will continue to be the man that you now know you are supposed to be, even though Sophie has walked away. I will also pray that she may come back and give you another chance, after she has had time to rest.
Everything is a lesson. We lose or gain exactly what we have to. 27 years isn’t the entire life. It certainly hurts when somebody leaves us, but who knows what the future has in mind. I don’t believe you are as bad as you describe, because people who are would never admit that and never disclose any of their shortages.
Just think, the love you feel for Sofie, God has that and even more towards mankind and because of his live, he sent Jesus Christ. Being a better man starts with repentance and a changed heart towards God. I wish you well Chris.
Excellent writing – you may have lost a love (as you say, maybe temporarily but as Inese says above, you aren’t as bad as you describe. I attest to that same rule, if you can admit your faults, you are a much better person than some others. (sadly we know that currently with this political BS of people).
Keep writing, as your doing, finding yourself – sharing yourself with us (others) and LIVE.
As someone who has had the pleasure of actually watching wolves in the wild (boyfriend is an amazing nature/wildlife photographer) – they are amazing animals – their intensity is the same as most animals, when provoked, the intensity is brought out. So, a great metaphor for you! Use it. 🙂
It sounds to me that you weren’t trying to be a wolf at all – you were trying to be Fenrir, who looks like a wolf, but is not one in personality.
Personally, I think you should talk with Sofie. The more time that passes, the greater the distance that builds between you. And the biggest regrets that people carry are generally not the things they did, but the things they *didn’t* do. If this post is at all accurate, if it isn’t an exaggeration, you will come to regret not talking to her. Even if the talking goes nowhere and you both take separate paths forever, at least you talked.
At least you communicated indeed . Not to forget that Life is a big puzzle in itself and we\re all trying to fit and match odd pieces / situations together. constantly, I think I suppose you just learn and grow with it , but with the right positive attitude, and not feel defeated by the challenges presented…. All easier said than done….. C’east La vie !.
Wow Chris I almost don’t know what to say this all was just incredible to read! I believe you are hopefully in love there is nothing hopeless about it! its beautiful!
Beautiful.
Her leaving gave you a different perspective and that is what relationships boil down to – perspective. We see our selves completely differently than most of the people around us. I am guilty of being too hard on myself and, after reading this post, it seems you may be in the same boat. Shifting your perspective to see it from her point of view is a gift. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. If she comes back you will be ready…but don’t overlook the possibility you may find love without her. There are many women in the world who have been with someone like your previous self and are now looking for the changed man you have become. I wish you the best of luck and will be reading…