The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

Two years ago I met Sofie. She was so beautiful, and I knew that I loved her from the very first time that I saw her. She had this smile that was just infectious, and the most intoxicating love of life that I had ever seen. I used to make up excuses just to talk to her, and somehow, in some way, she fell in love with me. Not long after we met she went to Europe, and we spoke almost every day that she was gone. She’d get home after a day of travelling and text me as soon as she could, and I would wait in eager anticipation to hear from her, and know that she was safe.

When she came home, we started dating. It wasn’t easy. She was so loving and kind, and I was the angry boy that I had always been. I let her down; over and over again. I would prioritise my writing over the woman that I loved, and when she asked me about the future I would try to play down just how much I thought about it. I never told her that the reason I would kiss her tummy in the middle of the night was because I dreamed of having a family with her. And I never told her that I loved her so much that if I ever had to choose between writing and her, she would win every single time.

I always assumed that Sofie would know how much she means to me. I just expected her to realise and understand that I would do anything for her. But I was so bitter about my past that when I opened my mouth to tell her that I was proud of her, I would screw it up and say the opposite. She made my heart swell with joy so much so that I began pushing myself harder than ever to become a writer that she would be proud of; but I was so foolish that I never even realised that she was already proud and loved me with the kind of love that lasts a lifetime.

rose

I recently had an epiphany in which I realised how much I had taken the woman that I love for granted, and how willing I am to devote my life to her. But before I had a chance to tell this wonderful woman that I wanted to spend my life with her, and move in together, and help her reach her dreams, we parted ways. I broke my soulmate’s heart, and I took her for granted for so long that she eventually pushed me away forever.

Many readers may be asking why I am writing this. It’s far from my usual style. But there are two reasons why I needed to do this. The first is that I want to take a short hiatus from blogging. I have been pushing myself so hard to become someone that the woman I love can be proud of, that I have devoted far too much time to delusions of grandeur, rather than to her. I want to take some time out to stop and smell the roses in my life, and appreciate just how much I have to be grateful for.

The second reason is that I want to acknowledge just how much I have let down my soulmate and my best friend. When I think about the future, there is only one thing in the world that I want; and that is the girl who has given me the two greatest years of my life.

I don’t know if I will ever get another chance to be a part of Sofie’s life, and I fear that I won’t. But I do know that the love that we have for one another is more than a passing fancy. It’s the kind of love that lasts a lifetime and never diminishes with age. It took me twenty-five years to find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and it took me another two to finally tell her how I feel.

If I have to wait a lifetime for her to let me make amends for all of my mistakes, then so be it. Some things are worth waiting for, and I know in my heart that I want to make Sofie smile every single day for as long as we both shall live. I am so sorry that I ever pained her, or made her feel alone; she is and always will be, the apple of my eye.

74 thoughts on “Roses

  1. I don’t know you and I’m sure others before me have sad something similar…so at the risk of being redundant..
    WHY are you telling us this? TELL HER, let her read this. If she is all you say this may be enough to get you foot back in the door before it is slammed shut and bolted closed. IF you do get a second chance make the most of it. Love like that is hard come by.

    1. I know why you are writing this here… you are feeling desperate and hopeless. I get it! Your post is open, raw and vulnerable everything you need to be to make it work. Actions speak louder than words. Show her the steps you are taking to be The best you that you can be. Good Luck!!

  2. Wow. That was beautiful and enlightening…so many a times the things that matter most we take for granted while striving for things that don’t really matter. Best of luck with Sofie, trust if she reads this, or you tell her and apologize, she might just give you another chance. Just don’t screw it up again! #cheers

  3. Heartbreaking and vulnerable and real. Thanks for sharing this. So many things in life that matter and we forget that. : )

  4. sleepyheadning says:

    It’s an incredible piece to read on. It maybe unrealistic, but when you dig in to it and continue reading up to the end, all we’re surely be amazed and felt that there’s is someone meant for you and worth the wait. Loved it. 😍😊

  5. Wendy Insley Saint-Onge says:

    What a heartfelt post. Take it from someone who just lost their love of 25 years … tell her. But if she doesn’t reciprocate, move on. Life is short. Suck up every moment of joy and don’t waste time waiting for someone who doesn’t feel the same. That’s the advice my husband would have given you, and believe me, he was a great, great man. You could do far worse than taking advice from #BenTheTitan. 😀

  6. Hi Chris,
    I am wishing you a peaceful, powerful, enlightening and grounding time-out that brings to you exactly what you need at this time. All the best to you and Sofie. May your roads lead to the highest good of both of you.
    Much love,
    Steffi

  7. marliesvonn says:

    Your words are visceral in their effect and intoxicating. I can almost smell the rose that you pictured.

  8. Wow this is really sweet! By the way thank you for liking my post earlier! Have a great day!

  9. Ohhhh I really hope you get you sweet angel face, back in your arms!

    ❤️️

  10. wow im taken aback. this is so beautiful ..it makes me want to add a love page to my blog lol …i hope you two will reconcile ❤

  11. Thank you for stopping by at my blog. I appreciate that so much.

    Very interesting post. You wrote what your heart feels and what you did wrong about a love life. It is good to write certain things at some point in life. Keeping it inside will never heal a heart. You did the right thing. Mistakes happens and it becomes a map, and a map shows us direction, depending which way we want to go. I hope you chose the right way, and surely one day when your path will cross the love of your life again, you will think of Sofie, and you will love the new girl with all your heart and will treat her like a princess. Good Luck to you!

  12. Great post! This is such a touching subject matter that a lot of people can relate too. There always seems to be so much information out there about how women feel when they fall in love, their emotions, thoughts, feelings etc but not enough about men. It seems far more acceptable for women to talk about their feelings when their in love more than men, you can see this in literature, film, media. Our society needs to allow men the right to share their feelings of pain when their hearts are in turmoil and pain too.

    Very touching post, you are obviously a very passionate person thank you for sharing such an honest post. Life can be so hard some times. The obvious (Like telling some one how you actually feel can be the hardest thing in the world) but sometimes its just as simple as that. Be honest with her like you have been with us and then you can move on with your life or you’ll kick yourself. It sounds like you’ve got nothing to loose. Good luck!

  13. Atleast you realize u have been wrong with her. I feel loving back or not is a personal choice but respecting someone’s feelings is a compulsion! I feel instead of assuming that she might be reading these is not enough. You should go express your feelings to her and apologise for not respecting her feelings. M sure she will forgive you if theres truth in your eyes. Dont expect things to be same as before, but whatever happens, it will help you in gaining peace! Cz maybe its time to move on…. we learn from the people who come n go fm our lives, make sure ur not doing the same with smone else now! Value those who r “now” in ur life!

  14. A says:

    Beautiful post. Thank you for that.

    I think that this is one of the hardest lessons for guys – and you learned it early. That being who you are is usually enough. More than enough. Men often seem to want to prove that they’re worthy or can be even better than they already are or can be better than other guys. Relax, breathe in breathe out.

    Crossing my fingers for you.

  15. Heartbreaking. Get some counseling. Then go and get your girl.

    1. It’s like you read my mind. I’ve been going through counselling for the past month and working on becoming the man I should have always been.
      I have every intention of getting the girl and making the rest of her life more incredible than she ever thought possible.

      1. Good for you. We all have demons. You are smart enough and committed enough to figure them out and order them to leave. Your capacity to love and give will grow so much. I wish you every happiness.

  16. innerlion says:

    This touched my heart so deep. I am going through the exact same situation 5 years later but I’m in Sofie’s position. I hope things work out for you. I can say that if my love feels the way you described in this post, I would be so overjoyed in knowing his realization. Unfortunately the unknown is truly hurting me.

  17. Good luck! I wish you success!

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