The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

Two years ago I met Sofie. She was so beautiful, and I knew that I loved her from the very first time that I saw her. She had this smile that was just infectious, and the most intoxicating love of life that I had ever seen. I used to make up excuses just to talk to her, and somehow, in some way, she fell in love with me. Not long after we met she went to Europe, and we spoke almost every day that she was gone. She’d get home after a day of travelling and text me as soon as she could, and I would wait in eager anticipation to hear from her, and know that she was safe.

When she came home, we started dating. It wasn’t easy. She was so loving and kind, and I was the angry boy that I had always been. I let her down; over and over again. I would prioritise my writing over the woman that I loved, and when she asked me about the future I would try to play down just how much I thought about it. I never told her that the reason I would kiss her tummy in the middle of the night was because I dreamed of having a family with her. And I never told her that I loved her so much that if I ever had to choose between writing and her, she would win every single time.

I always assumed that Sofie would know how much she means to me. I just expected her to realise and understand that I would do anything for her. But I was so bitter about my past that when I opened my mouth to tell her that I was proud of her, I would screw it up and say the opposite. She made my heart swell with joy so much so that I began pushing myself harder than ever to become a writer that she would be proud of; but I was so foolish that I never even realised that she was already proud and loved me with the kind of love that lasts a lifetime.

rose

I recently had an epiphany in which I realised how much I had taken the woman that I love for granted, and how willing I am to devote my life to her. But before I had a chance to tell this wonderful woman that I wanted to spend my life with her, and move in together, and help her reach her dreams, we parted ways. I broke my soulmate’s heart, and I took her for granted for so long that she eventually pushed me away forever.

Many readers may be asking why I am writing this. It’s far from my usual style. But there are two reasons why I needed to do this. The first is that I want to take a short hiatus from blogging. I have been pushing myself so hard to become someone that the woman I love can be proud of, that I have devoted far too much time to delusions of grandeur, rather than to her. I want to take some time out to stop and smell the roses in my life, and appreciate just how much I have to be grateful for.

The second reason is that I want to acknowledge just how much I have let down my soulmate and my best friend. When I think about the future, there is only one thing in the world that I want; and that is the girl who has given me the two greatest years of my life.

I don’t know if I will ever get another chance to be a part of Sofie’s life, and I fear that I won’t. But I do know that the love that we have for one another is more than a passing fancy. It’s the kind of love that lasts a lifetime and never diminishes with age. It took me twenty-five years to find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and it took me another two to finally tell her how I feel.

If I have to wait a lifetime for her to let me make amends for all of my mistakes, then so be it. Some things are worth waiting for, and I know in my heart that I want to make Sofie smile every single day for as long as we both shall live. I am so sorry that I ever pained her, or made her feel alone; she is and always will be, the apple of my eye.

76 thoughts on “Roses

  1. I often find that writing through pain and heartbreak is very therapeutic.

  2. Tell her this! I wish you the best. Sometimes all a woman wants is to be vulnerable.

  3. felt that… best of luck! 🙂

  4. Jenn says:

    Your sorrow resonated with me.

  5. shklnrj says:

    Good luck buddy. Love is an all consuming emotion. Its amusing to me that someone who uses words in his profession, did not use words in his personal life. As slightly introverted, I recognise with this.

  6. Aishwarya says:

    I do hope Sofie turns to look at you and reads your mind. I do hope Sofie realizes that the kisses were all meant to tell a story. I do hope Sofie leans onto your shoulder yet again. I wish you guys a very very happy forever (because I don’t think true love has any ending)! 🙂

  7. kimberlybuck says:

    Let her read this. It says everything she needs to hear. And I say this not to insult or be mean. You should talk to a therapist about the reasons you miscommunicate your intentions. I have one and she’s helped me a lot.

  8. So heartfelt. I wish you the best. ❤
    Diana xo

  9. Chris- I don’t know you personally and I don’t know Sofie. I don’t know what happened that she pushed you away. What I do know is that your depth of feeling is enough to win her back. Life is too short, take a chance and go to her. If you don’t, you will wonder about what might have been.

  10. Dont have to pause for the longest time for regrets, just 10 mins of your time, think what is negative and positive happened yesterday and assert yourself two things, what is impt and is it that important too much to be absorbed right now. After that do what needs to be done, then go from there coz if you cant then go back to that question “what is important to me now?”

  11. TheMonk says:

    Dude , leave this . Go after her. And seriously where did you find that rose?

  12. miralianna says:

    I would never assume to know…and yet you are far from alone in what you want and need. Two authors have turned my thinking upside down (right side up is closer!) The books are Seeking Jordan and Deeper Dating. The evolution of collective wisdom continues, thankfully!

  13. Miriam says:

    Heartfelt, raw and beautifully written as always. Sending you warmest wishes that all will turn out as it’s meant to be.

  14. Fame can come at a high price…….I hope you get a final chance.

  15. I wish more people would have such a realisation regarding the person they love / or loves them back, sooner rather than later… I guess the problem is we are often blind, until its too late, because how else would we learn, would we finally see, would we act upon it, unless we have gone down the wrong road to realise this. Its like a never ending circle. Good luck to you! I hope your rose reads this!

  16. ” … accept the things I can not change to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference “

  17. Serendipitous Web Life. : ) says:

    Patience, growth, and forgiveness are treasures discovered through pain that add great depth and value to life. Hugs!

  18. V.J. says:

    This is very heartfelt. It is never easy to look ourselves and take responsibility for what we have done. I hope you find the joy you are seeking.

  19. Roos Ruse says:

    Pursuit of something of such great value is a wise investment. Prayerful best wishes. ❤

  20. dimphokay says:

    I hope you will find her and be happy again. I also hope that you find healing from that bitter past, you deserve happiness and happiness you shall get. All the best for you 🙂

  21. M.G. David says:

    I hear your pain and longing for Sofie…send her this…write to her…show her that she means the world to you. Love is encompassing…good luck! 🌹

  22. gpj103 says:

    Sofie sounds fantastic! It seems that so many of the frustrations in life can be overcome if people just communicated better (and more honestly) instead of everyone making assumptions. Hope you get to where you both want to be.

  23. For god’s sake man, email this to her! Don’t waste this life that you could have together and make you both unhappy.
    I’m on the other end of a similar situation right now and would love to have him send me something like this. Though I suspect he would not….

  24. I have had the same problem in my love life. I feel that although I’m good at writing my feelings out, I lack the same skill out loud. I’m not sure how to show or express my love in an impactful way. It has made me really look inside myself. Good luck my friend, I promise there is hope for us all.

  25. writteningeekblog says:

    I hope that she sees this. It’s such an easy trap to fall into,pursuing something without realizing the impact that it has on others. I think that we have all been there at some point. Try to reach out to her…show her this…and say sorry if you need too. You don’t have anything to lose. GOOD LUCK.

  26. Sue J says:

    Sounds to me like you have your head screwed on straight. Some say better late than never, but we who have been there know the truth. Late sometimes just doesn’t cut it. I wish you well and hope for you kismet realigns your paths so you’re once again side-by-side.

    All the best,
    Sue J

  27. I just wanted to say that this story really spoke to me after the day I’ve had. When a writer can put there emotions down on the page that’s when they are their best in my opinion. I know it wasn’t easy to share this and I thank you for writing it and helping people out there with your work. Best of luck!

  28. Alexandra says:

    Soulmates are soulmates for a reason. Human mistakes or life might part you many times but the Universe will bring you back together. That might happen a few times but the last one will last forever, because you both have learnt your lessons and you’ll be ready to be together. I have also met my soulmate and we have a difficult relationship that I still wouldn’t trade for anything. We are not together as bf and gf but we love each other in ways that I never imagined. Don’t lose hope, she will be brought back to you. Have faith and things will happen!

  29. Alexandra says:

    This is so beautiful. Don’t worry, soulmates are soulmates for a reason. Life might part you many times but the universe will always bring you back together. Meanwhile you’ll both be growing and learning so that you can live the relationship you are meant to live. I have also met my soul mate 3 years ago and it is a rocky experience. We are not in a “normal relationship” and it brought us both a lot of pain. But still, I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. We are still learning and taking baby steps. Everything will happen in the perfect timing for you too. Don’t loose faith. Have a lovely day

  30. Ret MP says:

    Better 25 years than 50…may she find and feel your words, may your wolds align, may time be kind in the waiting.

  31. It’s not her you let down. It’s yourself. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself first. Only then will you truly be able to move forward. Perhaps, things will work out with her, if not, that’s okay too. Great love doesn’t just happen once you know. I wish you love, happiness and healing. Don’t stay away too long. xo

  32. lyvingbetter says:

    Best wishes to you during your hiatus! Self realizing can be tough but rewarding. Hope it all works out for you.

  33. tendrilwise says:

    So be it is a strong phrase, Chris. Make sure you’re writing and saying what you truly want before using that phrase. 🌈

  34. charcamolson says:

    Will pray for mercy and reconciliation for you two.

  35. lynnefisher says:

    Don’t give up, let her read your posts, and yes, speaking as a woman who has managed 30 years (ouch, that hurt) being with my soulmate and still ‘loved up’, communication is everything and so is letting each other grow. Good luck.

  36. Gratitude is a beauty unto itself. Good luck to you.

  37. Daal says:

    Thanks for writing so honestly. We’ve all been there. Have often found that what I wished for & didn’t get ended up a blessing.

  38. It is hard to soften a wolf’s heart. We build walls to keep in the pain, without even know we are doing it. Realizing, is the first step to cutting through the thorns and brambles and finding true self love. And with self love, the roses will bloom, and their sweet fragrance will fill those around you with more love as well…good luck with your time reflecting. I hope to see more of your writing…

  39. Nancy J says:

    I hope you find her and that you get back together. It would seem to me that she loves and misses you as well. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is relatable to many of us. But, I am idealistic and believe true love finds its way to us. You have really touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes.

  40. ashleerae97 says:

    This was very beautiful..

  41. Inese Poga Art plus Life says:

    It depends how much damage is done, but you have to do something anyway instead of simply waiting. We sometimes think that other people can read us clearly, but they sometimes need to hear said out loudly how much we love them. You know her, so you know how to try to get in touch again. I’d definitely do something. It makes no sense to live in regrets when there may be a chance.

  42. deeFoodie says:

    I hope you find quiet safe happiness with the woman of your dreams. Good luck. x

  43. David Rothwell says:

    Plenty more fish in the sea!

  44. Nina LT says:

    I am not going to like this post, not because I don’t like it (you are an exceptionally skilled word-smith, from writer to writer), but because this is something that is in dire need of a sympathy button!

    You were a fool that lost your goddess, but much less of a fool to have learned from your mistakes. I think that even if she doesn’t come back to you, this new profound understanding of your heart and how you function will guide you to exactly what you desire – your writing is not really fuelled by your ambition (although that tenacious fire adds a lot of creative power to your words) but more so by your heart and I think that in this world of contrived nonsenses, society is lacking just that.

    From the root of all suffering, the best opportunities for self-development were born – if we can man up and face ourselves through it. I applaud you, sir. This is your first step to finding deep rooted happiness, if you so desire it.
    This is the challenge you now face…

    I now feel so inspired to write prose, a bard’s ballad to emphasise the gems of truth found within your post…
    Your writing is simply beautiful, thank-you for stumbling across my blog and directing me here 🙂
    #SubscribedForLife

    1. Nina LT says:

      I did write a poem for this, which can be viewed here:

      The Full Blog Post can be viewed here:
      https://madcattersteapartyblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/14/for-the-roses/

  45. I’m feeling the pain of your sorrow. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why certain people love us so much, because we certainly do not feel that love for ourselves. Is out of fear? I wish I knew.

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