The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

In August 2016, a woman broke my heart. After two years of dating, during which time I convinced myself that she was the person I was destined to marry, she left me. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I was inconsolable, believing that my entire world had come crashing down around me. In the months that followed our failed romance, I lost my desire to write, to eat, and even to live.

Yet for all that I temporarily lost, I also learned…

I learned how to let go of the anger and depression that had consumed me, how to pick myself back up when life had knocked me down, and how to appreciate the true beauty of human compassion. But arguably the most important thing that I came to understand in my lowest moments was what it means to truly love someone. Twelve months ago I was hurting so badly, and yet all I wanted was for the woman who had left me to be happy. I didn’t realise it at the time, but that willingness to sacrifice my own happiness so that someone else could find theirs, was love.

Love is not about expensive gifts, loading pretty pictures on social media, or superficial bullshit. Love is the desire to go that extra mile just to make someone smile. It’s holding their hand when they hurt, and it’s the willingness to support them during difficult times.

Love is about finding the one that is worth suffering for, and taking every opportunity you can to show them how much they mean to you.

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When my former lover left me, I didn’t think that I would ever find someone who could make me feel like that again. So, I wrote a love story. In an effort to mend my wounded heart, I gathered up all of my pains and spilled them into a manuscript that is now awaiting a professional treatment from my editor.

But because I’m impatient, I’ve decided to do something monumentally stupid and share a draft of the opening chapter with my readers. At the bottom of this post there’s a link to a PDF download which contains a draft copy of the opening two thousand words of You. It’s not the finished product, and it’s rough as hell, but I’m still so proud to be able to share a little piece of me with those that wish to read it.

I did find another girl too…

I never thought that someone could take my breath away like she did. From the very first time I saw her I knew that she was special; like a spoonful of honey drizzled into my soul. She was the kind of person that only comes along once in a lifetime, but she decided that she didn’t want me the way that I wanted her. And despite what many of us would like to believe, you can’t convince someone to love you, or to ignore the voice in their head that tells them it’s the wrong time.

As much as it hurts to admit, I’m 99% sure that I was the right guy; I just found her at the wrong time. But if she does read this, I hope that she knows just how wonderful she truly is.

Opening Chapter – You

54 thoughts on “Meraki

  1. just_me says:

    In August 2016, a man broke my heart… 😦
    Nice post…

  2. If it’s of any consolation, it took me dying (getting MURDERED!!!) to realize, what i’d found to be love actually wasn’t, and now, i’m reborn, and yes, the healing process was very too painful, that as i was weathering through it, i thought i wasn’t going to make it, but here i still am, that just shows, how love might hurt like hell, but, humans have what it takes, to overcome the hearts which were, broken by those wrong kinds of love we’re, engaged in, formerly…

  3. Whippoorwill says:

    Thanks for sharing, and I’ve got to say, your rough as hell is pretty damn good.

  4. scskillman says:

    Your post caught my attention and was very touching. I enjoyed your first chapter. I found it thoroughly intriuguing and I want to know what happens next and how she deals with her new client Ryan, and what exactly his demons are!

  5. Thank you for sharing and I’m happy you’re back writing again – Brilliant stuff – I wish you much happiness & success

  6. U got the feel of life. Good stuff 🙂

  7. Ben Morais says:

    You capture the moments with amazing clarity of thought and showcase the qualities that are worth having in a decent human being. Congrats.

  8. Meraki. ..the Greek word? Great piece here.

  9. Hey, looking forward for this book. The first chapter leaves me intrigued. All the best to you and this book! 🙂

  10. brijkaulblog says:

    your post is very pathetic but described very thoughtfully. Iunderstand that this forms chapterof your book. congrats.

    read my posts and poems you will love them
    regards
    Brij kaul
    Author of STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART

  11. Kari Gomez says:

    What beautiful words. I can certainly relate. Now, I hate to be cynical, but we’re all imperfect mere humans. She might only have been the right one for you because you chose to see her in that light. She sounds beautiful, yet I am nearly positive you will find another just as beautiful, if not, more so in your eyes. Wonderful writing, as always.

  12. Desireé says:

    I love this! So proud of you!

  13. marymtf says:

    You sound like a lovely worthwhile human being. A lot more forgiving than i would be. and thats okay, but as romantic as it sounds, wanting her happiness above your own is not romantic. I would only sacrifice my happiness for my children and grandchildren, that’s love.

    1. Edward Fagan says:

      Chris is indeed a wonderful, loving person. Forgiveness is an ingredient of love, hence his forgiving his ex girlfriend. His wanting her happiness above his own is as much love as your sacrificing your happiness for that of your children and grandchildren.

      1. marymtf says:

        Given time, I can see that some people (more charitable than I would be) might forgive the person who had humiliated and made them miserable. but I question preferring that person’s happiness above my own.

  14. daodeqi says:

    The author smirked to himself when the reporters haled him as creative and ingenious. “If only they knew,” he thought to himself. “All this creativity is simply an embellishment of a memory.” But were we to write about anything else, we would look like fools talking of things we know not.
    Great post! I feel lucky to read the first chapter, regardless of the errors in being a rough draft. There was a really nice balance in words, characters, monologue, description, etc. Definitely intrigued. Can’t wait to read the more personal emotions no doubt to emerge later in the story.

  15. John Kraft says:

    Beautifully expressed.

  16. terismyth says:

    I was left by my first husband when I was 7 1/2 Months pregnant! At the time, I felt lost and scared raising a son on my own. But eventually I met a wonderful man, he adopted my son and we have been together ever since.

    Good luck with your book. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the name “You”. It takes courage to put your thoughts on paper. Well done.

  17. Inapoem says:

    Do you think you should care.

  18. Great opening chapter, it left me intrigued. In a weird way I already feel a connection with the Ryan West character, looking forward to reading the rest once your book comes out.

  19. imenopause says:

    I am always amazed how pain can be the impetus to pull an amazing story out of us. I am sorry for your loss, but I applaud how you have used it write what looks to be an amazing emotionally honest story. Only one word can to mind after I read your excerpt, “MORE!” I want to read more!!

  20. anne leueen says:

    Relative to you I am an “old” woman. But I have to say I have gained some wisdom in my 68 years of living. You are right to let go of the anger, the resentment and the hurt. Life needs to be lived, every day, and although you cannot deny hurt you can allow it to move on in time. I know this sounds trite but you will find the right person. Keep your heart open . I took 34 years to find my right person and 34 years later we are still together, still scrapping, still suffering and still loving and supporting. It is worth the wait. All the best with your book.

    1. Edward Fagan says:

      Thank God for wisdom. It is a prize that eludes many. Your response is a wonderfully wise one.

  21. momtoninja says:

    I really enjoyed reading your sneak peek chapter

  22. lynelleg says:

    Thanks for visiting my blog today. Really enjoyed this post and the sneak peek chapter 🙂

  23. Love it. Send it to the book store immediately. I want a copy…When’s it out?

  24. I am so sorry that you are going through this Chris, but know that this will leave you open to find the real love of your life. Again, I am sorry to hear this, I know that love can be cruel, but once you find ‘the one’, you’ll be so happy. Believe!

  25. favouroluchi says:

    This was so touching and beautiful. It kept me hooked. I am glad you found it somewhere in your graces to forgive and move on. I have learned from your beautiful piece. Thanks for stopping by my baby blog.

  26. This is so cute! Beautiful post.
    I also feel like I met the right man and he didn’t notice I was the right woman.
    But things will eventually turn out the way they have to!

  27. piuni9ja says:

    quite touching. been on that road, i pray not to go that lane.

  28. Il Principe says:

    I see your point when you said you were the right for her.
    I think it is like this, or at least, it happened also to me once. It is not true when people say it was not the right partner for you, fu…ing pre made words! There are some stories that just end for stupid reasons, or because you are unlucky or God knows why, but if you think you were right, it is like this in most of the cases.

    The only consolation that I have found in this is that we are not right for just one person, at least, I wasn’t. We can be right for many or few others.

    With you the meet soon the best one in the set ones you are made for.

  29. marisselee says:

    When you can wish someone who left you happiness with sincerity…when you are still willing to do something for that person despite the fact that she left you…then that is what you call real love, not “fish love”. Each experience, they say, only prepares us to be the best person we can be for the love that is meant for us. In the meantime, do not forget about that person who has always been there for you through all ups and downs, thick and thin – YOU. Best wishes for your book.

  30. Elaina says:

    I love this. I relate in many ways. Heartache is what prompted me to write my first novel – though it took far longer than I like to admit. I look forward to reading your first chapter.

  31. M. Mitchell says:

    I must admit I teared up.
    This is beautiful and I am happy for you. This was well worth the read and it now has me thinking about giving love another chance. .. Thank you for sharing Sunshine! 🌻

    1. Edward Fagan says:

      I love your response to Chris and his writing coming out of this situation.

      1. M. Mitchell says:

        Thank you and I really meant it.

        I was reading it, but it really felt like it was speaking to me.

        I don’t know. .. I just know it was beautiful.

  32. ‘Tales from the mouth of a wolf’…I think your picture of the wolf and your writings are well matched…passionate and personal…there are many ways of looking at life…the Buddhist way…the academic way…the mystical way and the immediate personal passionate way…the way of the wolf

  33. This is beautiful what a lucky woman !!

  34. Reblogged this on Tiffany Belle Harper and commented:
    This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read!

  35. Edward Fagan says:

    I’m sorry to hear of your loss, but am sure you’ll gain much benefit from it in the long run. The piece is great and I look forward to reading the novel when it becomes available.

  36. meghan11 says:

    After all, it is about finding the courage to go on and the faith to endure until it gets better. Life is about joy, then, isn’t it?

  37. Niedhie says:

    Thanks Chris for sharing your personal experience, it is painful but then like yours did – “Life Moves On”. I would really feel very happy if you do get around to reading my book with that title that I have just published on Amazon (link on my blog). It also depicts what all one does in true love and how then one comes out of it. It’s my first take on writing, not as matured and long as yours, but is an honest attempt to connect with like minded minds and hearts out there. Thanks, Niedhie

    1. Niedhie says:

      And just to add Chris, you should also read my book as it might help you understand the girl’s perspective of why she did what she did. I am looking forward to “You”, let us know when it is out there.

  38. Tom Cordle says:

    One must be ever alert not to confuse romance and love … they are very different things. The overpowering emotion that comes with romance is not sustainable, and that’s a good thing; for if it were, it would likely consume us. True love may not be quite as passionate, but it is much more satisfying in the long run to discover someone you can count on to be there for richer, for poorer, in triumph and despair, in sickness and in health.

  39. fotoeins says:

    Chris, this was a particularly brave, compelling, encouraging, thought-provoking, and fantastic post. I look forward to reading your opening chapter. Thank you for writing and for allowing us a glimpse.

  40. Tilly travel says:

    Sounds like my son, but he’s in his 30s

  41. Liv Miles says:

    “Love is about finding the one that is worth suffering for, and taking every opportunity you can to show them how much they mean to you.” I couldn’t agree more. Beautiful post!

  42. Great piece. Got me hooked straight from the first line…

  43. Thanks for the blog encouragement. Covenant is a word that takes a personal revelation from the Spirit of the Lord to begin to understand.
    Marriage covenant involves laying down your life for the other, always. How many can grasp the depth of it all? It takes an inner strength that is not natural.
    It’s been a lot of years for me and my wife, and I’m still growing into it How many who call themselves Christian really understands Messiah’s New Covenant with mankind?

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