Suicide Season

‘Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for.’

  • Kevin Claiborne

Let’s play a game of Russian Roulette.

You and I are seated at a table in a smoke filled room; there’s an old six shooter positioned perfectly between us with a single round floating in one of its chambers. The heavy aromas of mildew and fear cling to your skin causing you to perspire. We’re alone. There’s no one here to save us; the only entrance to the cell is destined to remain locked until only one of us remains. You’re scared. So am I. Our lives have been reduced to this moment where we’ll play a game of chance to see who survives. Nothing else matters right now. It’s just you and I.

There’s a coin beside the gun. We’ll flip to see who shoots first. I pick it up and use my thumb to send it spinning through the air. You call heads. It lands tails side up. I shoot first. I pick up the gun, spin the barrel and stare you dead in the eye. It’s nothing personal. We just lucked out you and I. Our only chance of survival is to have the six shooter’s hammer strike home while the weapon sits in the palm of our hand.

My arm lengthens as I draw down on you. Time slows. Your blood thickens in your veins, your heart rate triples in a desperate attempt to push it through your body. Your hands are clammy. You’re freezing despite the humidity in the room. What do you think about in this moment of absolute fear? What decisions do you live to regret? How many passions were left wanting before you found yourself locked in a room with an irrational writer and a gun?

The answer should be none. We should be living every day to the fullest. Regret should be just a word in the dictionary. But it never is. We humans are creatures of hindsight; we are forever bound to look back at moments and note missed opportunities and failures.

Did you fail to chase your dreams? Or tell your lover how much they mean to you? Were you disappointed that you didn’t invest in those risky shares that ultimately paid huge dividends? No matter what you thought of in your moment of fear you did have regrets. At some point you settled for something other than your true passions and now when your life flashed before your eyes you wished you’d never been so foolish.

You ignored your passions and committed slow suicide. The final scene of your self-sabotage was merely a crazed writer with a gun. Every single sacrifice you had made prior to you and I being locked in a room was what lead you there.

It’s a loaded statement I know. To say that you are committing this form of slow suicide is sure to anger some; and it should. When Kevin Claiborne coined the expression he wasn’t trying to make his audience feel good. He was trying to piss them off. He wanted readers to sit back from their desk, or rise from their armchair and say, “Screw this guy. I’ll show him who’s ignoring their passions.” He wanted anger and emotion. He wanted you to rise and stop settling for less than you deserve. So do I.

It’s why I locked us in that damn room. It’s why I put a busted old six-shooter on the table and told you there was a single round in the chamber. It’s why I ground back the hammer so that the round would never fire. I don’t want to kill your dreams. I want to piss you off to rouse you from your slumber so that you actually start chasing them.

The only thing standing between you and your dreams is the excuses and sacrifices you keep making. You’re comfortable and I get that. I am too. But this state of comfort is suicide season for anyone who dreams of becoming something more. My comfort comes in working a cushy job where I earn a decent wage for doing very little. I could sit here for the rest of my life and allow the flames of my passion to die. I could let the momentum with my writing fade until all that’s left is stone cold ashes of what could have been. Or I can douse the flames of creativity in petrol and watch it burn brighter than ever.

It’s easy to ignore a passion and to deny your heart the opportunity to accomplish what it pumps for. But to do so is a travesty; it is to commit emotional and creative suicide. Think back to those moments of fear when you were staring down the barrel of that shitty old six-shooter. Think of the regrets that haunted you. Remember that spike in your pulse as you fretted over an end that you knew was ultimately inevitable. Do you want to look back on your life and shudder at the comfort you achieved by allowing passions to die? Or do you want to be someone who set the world ablaze and turned a passion and a dream into a reality.

Commit emotional suicide, or step outside your comfort zone and follow your dreams. The choice is yours. You wouldn’t play Russian Roulette with an unstable writer and a loaded gun unless you had no other choice. So why do we actively chose to do so with our dreams?

Author: Chris Nicholas

Chris Nicholas is an author from Brisbane, Australia. He has published two novels, and is currently working on his third.

260 thoughts on “Suicide Season”

  1. Loved this entry. So well written and captivating. I refuse to have regrets and watch my dreams pass me by. Thank you for stirring the flame within me to burn even brighter.

  2. This is good stuff, I guess you know that by now. This notion of slow suicide shows up in many paradigms as suboptimized health, life. in Game Theory, you are sometimes free to choose between Win-Lose choices and discernment about which way to go, on one hand, or to push through with a bit more imagination, revolutionary cooperative thinking and caring and loving, to find that Win-Win leaving no one with regrets about your choices, including yourself.

    Thanks for visiting my way. I enjoyed my visit here.

    Gerald Oliver

  3. I found you after you liked my blog post today. I decided to click onto this post to see what you are about. I’m not sure why, since suicide is such a dark subject and too heavy to read about during a season that should be so joyous.

    I started reading. I felt my blood pressure go up as I was gripped by the scene. I began judging who I thought you were, a sad, desperate, gifted writer. Then I got to the part about “chasing dreams” or “comfort zone”. What a great article! I agree with you!!!

    I now see you as a thoughtful, motivating, gifted writer. Thank you for being vulnerable.

  4. My 24 year old son, John, wrote the following poem. I must admit it was a little scary when I first read it, not being sure where his mind was taking him. Later, when talking to him, I realized that he was writing to encourage others to get through the tough times of living. May it fulfill its purpose here as well. Joy!


    Life is hard,

    Like really hard,

    Like a brick wall had babies with a steel bar, hard.

    Life sucks,

    Like really sucks,

    Like a vacuum and a leech combined, sucks.

    Life is unfair

    Like really unfair,

    Like “whatever I say goes, because I said so”, unfair.

    Life is exhausting,

    Like really exhausting,

    Like running through mud, uphill, with boots on, exhausting.

    Life is depressing,

    Like really depressing,

    Like a deep, heavy, blanket of sadness that just won’t let go, depressing.

    Life is long,

    Like really long,

    Like 31,000 days, 750,000 hours, 44,7052,645 minutes, 682,396,000 seconds, long.

    It feels like weights are laid across my chest,

    It’s hard to breathe.

    There is a rope wrapped tight around my stomach,

    I don’t want to eat.

    My mind is weary, but always racing,

    I can’t sleep.

    In the morning, I’m mourning.

    And at night, it’s a fight.

    Being around people is a day full,

    And being alone is just painful.

    I’m angry because I can’t explain it,

    I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it,

    I don’t understand it because it doesn’t make sense,

    It doesn’t make sense, but it’s me.

    It’s me, so I’m angry

    I know people care for me,

    But this heaviness won’t let me free.

    I know it isn’t healthy,

    But cutting is the only escape for me.

    It doesn’t feel worth it,

    My life is not perfect.

    The sadness is here to stay,

    Maybe I’ll end it all today…

  5. Chris, thank you for an inspiring post! I agree that life should be lived to it’s fullest whenever possible. I have spent too many years working to live. I think sometimes one reaches a certain age where you suddenly realise that ‘it’s all downhill now’ and wonder what you have done with your life (apart from marry and raise a son to be proud of, not to be downplayed of course). It was that realization a few years ago which made me decide to get back into writing. Better late than never!

  6. Reblogged this on elaine j jackson and commented:
    An inspiring post from Chris Nicolas – ‘Follow your dreams’! We only pass this way once, after all… life is not a rehearsal. You take your first breath, and you are on stage! From curtain up to curtain down, let’s make every second count!

  7. ‘Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for.’ That’s what I like to do now. My words are raw, untroubled by a sense of style. They come and go and I can’t push them away anymore. So there I am right where I should have been a long time ago.

    Great post! I love your header image.

  8. It’s so true that not following your passion and is a slow suicide. I counsel so many people who develop anxiety and panic attacks because they are avoiding living the way they really want. They’re running away from the things that cause them pain. The only thing to do is to face your life and move forward, despite the fear.

  9. Startling, bright explosive truth brings shock, arousing and joy. You’ve done this man! It’s what gifted writers with awesome potential and this intention like you do. You use your pen as a laser to penetrate minds, emotions, intellect and will, to enlighten and inspire so that momentum replaces inertia, hope replaces doubt and fear, effort can be applied and dreams and aspirations achieved.
    This work is potent. It can lead to the fall of tyrants and the rejoicing of the masses. Remember Voltaire?
    A tear of joy came because the power and beauty of truth often causes this to happen when that truth applies to the person who reads it. The next step is bold action and the achievement of its wonderful and inevitable outcome. Thanks for a beautiful and well written post and the accompanying awakening and encouragement.

  10. This is an excellent post! Thank you for the encouragement. It is difficult to let go of the things that provide us with a sense of safety but ultimately slow our progress towards our dreams.

  11. The article is loaded with the Nietzschean dictum: The Will to Power. Man must transform himself to become the Ubermensch and must lead a Dionysian life, Anand Bose from Kerala

  12. A loaded Post, emotional suicide. WoW. Speechless. What a topic and beautifully expressed. Admitted I find suicide a extremely powerful and scary word and would not like to use it at all. But, it makes the point here. Because we are killing our passion by staying stuck in a comfort zone or even fear. thanks for this.

  13. Wow that must of been one of the most amazing gut wrenching perspective thingamabobs I’ve ever read. No words honestly. That post just explained life.

  14. Hits a nerve just not sure what my passion is yet. Wondering if I’ll ever know. As time slips slowly away. Slow suicide describes the feeling exactly.

  15. Get busy living or get busy dying. Simply put. Not chasing after our dreams with every ounce of ourselves is emotional suicide. I’d take a quick death over that slow, painful one any day.

  16. People wonder why I can’t put aside my beliefs, morals, and opinions that differ from others. By refusing to stand down I often find myself in conflict. Is it worth it? I say yes. if I allow myself to lay down my arms and conform to everyone else’s beliefs I begin down the road of slow suicide. I refuse to go there.

  17. Thank you for your honesty – its refreshing to hear about the realness of suicide and its impact .. its needs to be brought out into the light …

  18. I am nihilist who does not despair with the world. I always authenticate the true meaning of existence. I try to overcome my mistakes by making better choices in the future, Anand Bose from Kerala

  19. Unreal!! At first it sort of reminded me of the movie “Saw,” but then I “saw” (sorry!) beneath that as you revealed much more. Well, I’m 71 now and my passion, which I only rekindled late in my life, has dwindled to a tiny spark, a minuscule ember… but after reading this I feel you’ve emotionally goosed me. To mix a metaphor. So thanks! This piece is beyond excellent, truly.

  20. “Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for.” Truer words were never spoken.

    I have to admit I’m one of those people who got so caught up in the moment I ended up missing the boat; and now here I am just waiting for Mother Nature to pull the trigger. And yet even now, as I wait, I let the doubts and fears overwhelm me one more time. You’re 27 and have published a book. I have a book waiting to be published that never will be. And why is that? Because that’s who I am; someone who has been committing slow suicide for a very long time.

    Oh, well, I guess I can live in a world among the imaginary friends I’ve created a bit longer and look to them for whatever healing they can provide. And if someone real stops by occasionally and reads the words, that provides comfort as well.

    Awesome post, dude!

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