“A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”
-Elizabeth Gilbert
I used to believe that I was a man who had been blessed with the gift of intellect. I spent years convinced that I was the smartest person in any room; often closing myself off from the opinions of others. I would gnash my teeth at the slightest hint of conflict, and reveled in my ability to push my own agendas onto others, whilst belittling theirs. Yet while I thought that I was a magnificent mind perpetually on the cusp of achieving great things, the truth is that I was a bit of a dick. I bruised egos, hurt feelings, and let down the people closest to me.
During these volatile years, I was tolerable at best, and a horribly bitter person at my worst. I convinced myself that I was the most important individual in the world, and I forced myself to suffer through a fear of death, anxiety and self-loathing because I believed I would become a stronger writer and a better man through doing so. I repeatedly told myself that I deserved everything, and that the people around me, who had never walked through the hells that I had, deserved nothing.
I was so angry at everything, and everyone. And I was so afraid of asking myself why that I never confronted the bitterness festering inside of me. I was afraid of death, and petrified of failing. I didn’t have a place in the world; I merely existed in my own reality of anger and unjustified resentment. So, while I pushed myself as hard as I could to chase my dreams of becoming an author, I tore other people apart so that I wasn’t the only one hurting.
I was so lost in my own sickening reality that not even the girl of my dreams was spared from my bitterness. There were times when I was so proud of who she was, and all I wanted to do was tell her I loved her; but when I opened my mouth all the wrong words came tumbling out. I broke her heart. And eventually she broke mine back; walking out of my life and forcing me to look introspectively at the monster that I had become.
When she left, I realized that I wasn’t a man of intellect after all; nor was I ever the smartest person in any room. In fact, it turns out that I’m the furthest thing from intelligent, because I knew that she was my soulmate from the very first time that I saw her; and yet I was so goddamn stupid that I pushed her way. Blinded by my own illogical quest to make her love me, I could never see that she already did, and that she spent our entire relationship holding my hand and asking me to stare into the mirror of her soul so that I could see and become the man that she saw hidden inside of me.
She could see the man that was buried beneath the anger and loathing; the man that still loves her unconditionally, and with such intensity that a smile still spreads across his face at the faintest thought of her.
She is the first person who ever made me realise that I am not as intelligent as they are, and the only person in this world that I would give up everything I have just to spend one more day with. She is the woman that I want to travel the world, create beautiful memories, and grow old and wrinkly with. But because I was too afraid to look into the mirror that she held before me, I’m no longer the man who gets to tell her how much he loves her when she succeeds; or kiss her forehead and tell her everything will be alright when she is feeling down.
Agh. Alright. Let’s take a break for a moment. Because this is starting to sound a little depressing and my eyes filling with tears. This isn’t supposed to be a post about sadness or loss. It’s supposed to something positive. I fucked up. I fucked up really badly and I lost the woman I want to spend my life with. But one man’s loss can be another’s gain, and the whole point of writing this is so that people can learn from my mistakes.
It took losing everything that I have ever wanted to finally become a man capable of looking at himself in the mirror. I had to give my heart away to a woman who left before I could find the strength to acknowledge my fractures and flaws. But by learning how to be open with myself I have come to realise that while I spent years believing that I had overcome depression and was healthy; the truth is that I was on a downward spiral of poor mental health caused by my own incessant desires to become the greatest author of all time, to make my partner proud, and to bury my own heartache regarding issues such as the death of friends and my crippling fear of being unable to provide a beautiful life for the girl of my dreams.
I had to pay a terrible price to find the courage to confront myself, but by facing my own reflection I have learned how to lay to rest the demons of my past, and how to be happy. Shit, I’m even starting to love the man that I see staring back at me with grin spread across his face, making me wish that I had of found the nerve to face my own demons years ago, rather than waiting until I lost my soulmate to do so. Because as great as it feels to be staring at the man that I should have always been, there’s still an element of heartbreak in seeing your reflection in a mirror that was once held by your soulmate, but now sits dusty and alone in the corner of a room you once shared together.
Since finding myself I have just one regret left in my life; and that is that I can’t go back in time and start over with my former lover. I can’t take back all my screw ups and my flaws and sweep her off her feet. If I could, I wouldn’t be the angry, bitter man that I was. I would be the version of me that I have become since she left; the man that she always saw hidden beneath a veneer of angst. And instead of saying all the wrong things I would simply say this:
Hi. My name is Chris Nicholas. And you don’t know it just yet; but I fell in love with you from the moment that I saw you. And if you give me a chance I promise that I will spend my life doing everything that I can to make you smile. If you want me… I am yours now and forever; because you have stolen my heart, and I hope to God that you hold onto it for the rest of our lives.
But I can’t go back in time, and I can’t tell her just how much I miss her. There are so many wonderful moments happening in my life every single day that I wish I could share with her, but I can’t. Nor can I share in the great moments happening in her life either. And while that breaks my heart, I can say this to my readers: find your soulmate; hold their hand, and stare into the mirrors of each other’s souls so that together you can change your lives.
If you have already found that person, give them a hug and a kiss and tell them that you love them dearly every single day. Let them know that they mean the world to you, because no matter your circumstance; the cost of love is priceless and there is no greater feeling in this world than being told that you are loved, and that you are beautiful. Just as there is nothing more wonderful, or fulfilling than finding that one person who you value, and adore more than anything else in the world.
Don’t do what I did. Don’t wait until you have lost the woman (or man) of your dreams to become the person you should have always been. Find your soulmate and stare into their mirror and become the very best version of you; then take their hand and make one hell of a life, jam-packed with wonderful memories together.
To the woman with the little blue hearts… If you ever read this: I miss you. More than you’ll ever know. I’m nothing without you.
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Great message! Thanks for sharing your story. 🙂
This post brings up something, as I think, we all can learn from. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Aw this is just gorgeous. What a brilliant piece of writing! You have been so honest here, which must have been difficult, but you give a great message at the end, good advice. Love it! Is it ok if I reblog?
Thank you. That’s very kind. Sometimes its harrowing to look introspectively; but the reward for doing so is worth the effort. You’re certainly welcome to reblog if you are so inclined.
YAY 🙆 I will thanks. I got close to losing my husband recently (this week actually) so reading your post was timely
Sometimes, it just takes someone you loved really much leaving, for you, to realize things about yourself, and i’m really glad that you’d realized your own faults already, because, now, you’ll be better off than you were before, when you seek out that love again…
Well said!
Reblogged this on SUMMER STARTS TO SHINE and commented:
I am reblogging this as I feel it will be a positive help to many people if you read to thr end. This writer has had the courage to admit his mistakes, and the wisdom to share what he learned and how he has changed. This is a brilliantly written post from a great writer. Enjoy x
This is really good♥ do check out my blog too!I’m neww
Reblogged this on Thoughts, Songs, Words with Meaning and commented:
Terrific, reposting. Thanks.
Finding the truth despite the pain. You’ve put into words what so many are only able to feel. Thank you for sharing your journey, and your growth. Peace and blessings to you.
Reblogged this on z3n alch3my and commented:
It is not often I read a passage so compelling and genuine, it moves the soul in its emotional journey with honesty. People often read to interpret their own self hearing their own voice. This man ‘s voice rings through every line. His message is clear. Hope you can hear it too. Thank you, Chris for sharing and finding your true love after loss.
Please know I re logged this post on my own z3n alch3my. There is so much here – both felt and heard. What is noted more than anything apart from expressing an honest desire to make amends, help others and be happier in your own life, is the fact having lost something precious created a space for your self to discover what you needed, not what you wanted. This takes a lot of love. What is more you found someone new to love…YOU. In all the way a person loves a true love – through good and bad, ugly or not. Your would mate revealed how you needed this love and you found a way to practice it and learn it. Now you can do so everyday and apply it to everything and everyone – including the one you will be with. It’s a gift. Glad it happened – hope you are too.
So poignantly expressed and written; beautiful reading. Reflection and introspection are wise companions, and I hope your story inspires yourself and others that love requires care and nurturing. It is a fluid and active emotion. Forgive yourself and love deeper as a better person now. The story doesn’t have to end here! : )
I too was once (and to a certain extent still am) an arrogant dick. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in any relationship is to just get out of our own way…
As I read this, I saw my son. He is you back then. He lost his true love this summer for the same reason. It was incredibly painful to watch, and I wish I could share this with him, but it’s his journey to take, and his lessons to learn. Great piece of writing and so honest.
Love to you as you find forgiveness for you knew not at the time what you were doing. I recently found the hardness and walls of my heart were where I held anger and resentment against myself. ❤️️ the more we can love ourselves, the more we can attract to us those who can love us in return.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your heart today.
This was beautiful :’)
We live and learn don’t we. A sad and heart breaking yet powerful story with a strong message. Thanks for opening your heart to us.
All I can say is that for some of us, it takes something just that big and terrible to break down the defensive walls that we have built.
It’s about being a grown-up and that is a most difficult thing to be. A very beautiful post
Thank you for sharing another beautiful piece. So relatable, but I’m glad you are able to see your true self at the end of it. Hopefully, things will work out well for you. Regardless, I wish you well and hope you continue the journey to be yourself.
This article is a masterpiece. It should be a mandatory read for every person. I have a friend who just won’t give up on the girl who he has been with previously and who broke up with him. Because they live really close to each other, they are in the same social circle and they also keep running into each other, which makes it more and more difficult for my friend to get over her. It has almost been a year but he still harbors hope that he can get her back despite the fact that she has bee dating many different guys since. I wish I could make him snap out of it, and I hate to see him waste his time, lowering his own self esteem and humiliating himself. But.. there is nothing I can do about this. I am thinking of sharing this article with him, but I am concerned that it might have the opposite from desired effect on him.
Reblogged this on All About Writing.
Reblogged this on where there is love and commented:
♡SpeaksandShoutsToMyHeartandSoul♡
Hey,
I happened upon your blog and I was really taken by your honesty. It’s so difficult to look at oneself objectively, I really liked the part in the beginning where you recognised what you were like when you thought you were the ‘smartest in any room’. I’m sure you’re far more pleasant to have conversations with now that you made that discovery.
Reblogged this on Virgobeauty's Blog and commented:
Warning: This may induce smiles of joy, tears of resonation, and a desire to express love in overflow daily.
To the author of this post: Thank You for allowing us to step into your vulnerability and truth. It is through sharing this that healing, growth, and inspiration for self and others will blossom.
Powerful piece of writing Chris, and honest to the core. But don’t forget to be kind to yourself too. Forgiving one’s self is a hard thing to do put it’s part of the process.
Beautiful…you will be better for the next time and stronger for the present…
😭😭😭thanks for sharing this
Reblogged this on GUM | Growing Up Millennial.
I haven’t read your blog in quite some time, but I was there when you found her, when you had her. I’m really sorry Chris. Heartbreak is such a difficult thing, and the cascade of regrets and what its only make the pain run deeper… but after some time, the pain becomes more tolerable, a little more like a dream, and we find a way to move past the veil and onto something new. You will have more stories. Sometimes you just have to believe. Thanks for sharing Chris.
This degree of honesty must be painful but hopefully therapeutic. Now give yourself a break and remember it doesn’t have to be a competition. Together we are more than the sum of our individual parts …
Hi Chris,
I have always found your posts amazing and your blog is one of the best. I’ve been meaning to comment on your posts but I always hesitated. After all, you always painted that ‘mighty Chris’ so who am I to say anything? I’m just a much older person, not a published writer, who has gone through what you went through and are going through and much more.
My psychologist told me this week that passed that the one person I speak about a lot is simply an illusion… because all I can remember are the good things since we didn’t get to have the fights, etc. I’m thinking, a psychologist can also be mistaken, that some people in our lives whom we have put on pedestals are not illusions… the same for you with respect to Sophie.
It’s great that you have recognized and you are still cognizant of the “real” you.
I had managed to repress the bad stuff and decided for myself that I was healed, that I didn’t have depression anymore. I probably don’t have a relapse but I had been struggling a bit this year and all I want to do right now is stop the pretense, the compensation, the masks and realize that I am truly a great person despite not having the external things that I’ve always considered make me great. I still have the stuff but I want to feel great even without them, in case they get taken away from me.
Success, as we have been taught, and all the material things in the world have been my determinant factors in classifying me as “valuable” but the feeling of worthlessness didn’t leave. However, that’s me seeing me as that. I have accomplished all that I have but they don’t make me, yet it doesn’t mean that without them, I’m less of a person…
Hah, I have just understood what my psychologist told me… thanks to you / your post 😊
I was being a scatterbrain there, sorry. Anyway, Chris, what you’ve accomplished as a writer is good. Your mind or intelligence doesn’t make you a horrible person, not necessarily. True that you did push people away. You see that now. You’ve acknowledged this shortcoming and you are correcting it. But don’t be a lesser Chris. Be brilliant. The self-sabotage was because of fear but it was concealed so it just looked like you were horrible instead of afraid. The condescending nature was not because you were a naturally bad person. You had your own feeling of uncertainty, insecurity, inadequacy perhaps, and belittling others is an easy way to bury the negative feelings.
I hope I make sense. I hope it’s relevant for you. I hope you take this as it is – coming from a good heart. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You’re on the right track and you’ve learned from your mistakes. You can still be great. And happy. Whether Sophie comes back or not, you know that even though not forever, time spent with her now forms part of your life and you’re a better person because of her. The purpose of her time with you for her is hers to recognize.
Take care. Much love and hugs. 🤗
Beautiful and heart-felt. And very raw in its honesty. Thank you for the courage in sharing, we can all learn from you. I think you should give yourself credit for recognizing some aspects of yourself that you want to improve upon, we all need to work on ourselves, whether we realize it or not!
Thank you for showing us it is possible to change. Lots of love and light to you, as you continue on your journey ❤
Heartbreakingly beautiful 💔
What a gift of words you have… very touching!
Honest and raw. I admire your self introspection and ability to change. Good on you. Great piece.
Love will find a way through paths where wolves fear to prey – Lord Byron
The simplest and biggest gift you can give her or yourself is not to be a repeat offender.
Very genuine post.
Writing is always a silver lining after a hefty life of heartbreak and self-righteous tendencies. To even be as introspective as you have given how egotistical you were before shows promise, somewhere, in the madness.
This was the most important thing that I’ve ever read in my life. Thank you!
This was so beautiful! Its so relatable! Do you mind if I reblog this?
Not at all. If something I have written has resonated with you then you are obviously more than welcome to repost.
Thank you! I will definitely reblog it this week! 🙂
Chris………This is one of the best and most honest writings I’ve seen in a long time. It’s just what the world needs to hear and think about…………..When, not if, your life turns and someone walks into your life. Show them this. Then they will know how sincere you are about a relationship. Bright Blessings
Thank you Judith. That’s very kind of you. “Someone” has already walked into my life. Her name is Sofie, and although my own inabilities to express myself and show her the love she deserves pushed her away; there is no one else in this world that I will ever love so completely and unconditionally.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me; but I know that I she will always hold my heart, and I will always melt at the very thought of her. I mean every word I write when I say that she’s the woman I want to grow old and wrinkly with.
I spent a decade driven by fear and chasing a publishing contract… Now there’s nothing but love left in me and I would spend a thousand lifetimes winning Sofie’s heart over again. If she’ll ever have me back; then I am hers. For the rest of my life.
Omg! Your story is exactly like mine!
And yeah, I love me the most now. And I have one regret in life but we all make mistakes.
This was a beautiful read. Although it touches on a spot of pain, it is evident that you have become a stronger man because of it. Thank you for having the courage and sincerity to share with us… and I hope she reads it ☺️
An un-lived life. I’ve been thinking the same, lately. I’m sorry you’re in a painful time right now. Remember that sometimes the best parts of our lives grow out of the hardest. Sounds trite, but it’s true. Sending hugs!
Reblogged this on Loneliness Isn't Real and commented:
Hello to my self-aware fallen angels! I came across this piece by Chris Nicolas recently. This passage really hit home for me. He said some very beautiful and positive things. So check out this reblog and feel free to delve deeper into his blog as well. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
Just one question, Chris. Are you moving on?
Moving on in so far as saying that I’m leaving the negative aspects of who I was behind. I’m letting go of the fears that drove me and finding happiness in myself.
But there is only one woman in this world for me. Even if I never get my fairytale ending I am still going to love her unconditionally until the day that I die.
Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as not everyone is so frank to speak out their truths.
Very transparent and shows humility. I pray that you will find that special one and hold on tight. I too learned the hard way and lost someone dear to me because I thought I didn’t deserve someone that wonderful.