The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

“Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

There has always been a lot of conjecture about the true ownership of the quote above. While most people believe that it belongs to a Scottish author by the name of Ian Maclaren, there are some that attribute it to Plato, or argue that it was Philo of Alexandria who first uttered the phrase. Regardless of who owns it, the simple, yet profound meaning it conveys speaks volumes, especially in a world where we so often feel as though we are struggling, and forget that we are not alone.

Every single person in this world is living through their own unique version of reality. And in that reality, they are fighting battles both within themselves, and with the world around them as they try their best to survive. While some people face battles that manifest themselves as physical disabilities or ailments; others struggle with cognitive or developmental issues, fight emotional demons, or find themselves pitted against the hazards of circumstance. Yet even though we all have moments where we feel as though we are the only one struggling, the truth is that we are not alone in the wars that we wage, no matter the obstacles we face.

Believe me when I say that there’s a lot more that I want to say here. But before I do, it seems appropriate to take a break for a moment and acknowledge that it has been more than a year since I have written a blog post. And while there are a few reasons why I chose to step away from my website, the largest contributing factor for my absence has been that I’ve been busy fighting a battle alongside someone very special to me…

On November 18th, 2019, my Dad passed away. At the time of his passing, he was sick. Really sick. Yet even though I knew that the phone call to tell me that he was gone was imminent, it still hurt like hell when a nurse phoned to say that he was gone. Dad was, and always will be, one of my closest friends. He was a confidant, a provider of advice, and a royal pain in my backside at times. He was the man who taught me how to ride a bike, drive a car, to respect those around me, and a million other things. But he was also a deeply troubled soul, and a man who was fighting a few battles that in the end, he just couldn’t win.

Physically, Dad’s issues started in 2011 when an aneurism in his aorta ruptured and he was airlifted to hospital to undergo emergency surgery. Mentally, he had begun struggling years before that. After more than two decades serving as a police officer, Dad had developed post-traumatic stress disorder and had been self-medicating with alcohol and cigarettes for several years. It was because of these dependancies that his aorta swelled to six times its normal size before eventually rupturing and causing internal bleeding.

Whilst it would be easy to say that the aneurysm was solely a result of his actions, his excessive alcohol consumption and addiction to cigarettes wasn’t entirely a weakness on Dad’s part. He had spent his formative years in the police force during an era where colleagues actively encouraged drinking and smoking as a means of coping with stress. If you had a rough day on the job, your boss told you to go grab a cigarette, or a colleague took you down to the local bar for a few beers. So, by the time Dad’s health had started to decline, drinking and smoking were so ingrained in his DNA that even as medical experts told him that they were the cause of his sickness, he turned to them as a means of coping.

Over time, his post-traumatic stress turned into depression, and his reliance on his vices became so consuming that he transitioned through states of homelessness, staying with family, attending mental health facilities, and living out of a car, plastic bags and whatever else he could, just so that he could keep a couple of bucks in his pocket to buy a beer and a packet of cigarettes.

At his best, Dad was self-sufficient, and could find ways to get by on his police pension. At his lowest, he was sleeping on my lounge and borrowing large sums of money to feed his addictions, or checking himself into clinics just so that he had a roof over his head and something to eat.

There were days when I could barely look at him. I hated seeing what he had allowed himself to become. It broke my heart to watch the person who had taught me everything that I knew about being a man falling apart before my eyes. Yet although I hated seeing his circumstances deteriorate, I still loved him, and I still did anything that I could just to show him that no matter how bad things got, he’d never have to face anything alone.

In January of this year, things got worse again. Dad was rushed to hospital with another aneurysm, and was told that because his health had declined so much since 2011, he wouldn’t survive. I can still remember sitting in a quiet space at work when he called me in tears and told me that the doctors had said that he needed to be airlifted to another hospital where a specialist surgeon would attempt to operate if he somehow made it through the flight. He was petrified as we said our goodbyes, and I told him that I loved him, and that I was proud of him, and that I always would be.

Then, just like he had done in 2011, he did the unthinkable and not only survived the plane ride, but the surgery too.

But his luck was to be short lived. In June he was back in hospital again where he went into surgery to have stents put into his arteries to allow blood to flow into his kidneys which had begun shutting down. Again, Dad defied the odds and pulled through, but was told that he would need to give up his vices and begin dialysis treatment that he would need to remain on for the rest of his life.

Because he had no place of residence, almost no money or possessions to his name, and needed support, he came to stay with me, and then with my younger brother. Then when things got tough, he said that he couldn’t live with us and chose to check himself into temporary accommodation while we helped him look for a more permanent place to live. He hated dialysis. It left him feeling ill, and depressed. So although those around him tried to keep him focused on improving his situation, we could see that he was slipping away.

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In early September, Dad decided he had had enough, and that he didn’t want to continue with dialysis anymore, electing to see out his days rather than pursue treatment. On the day that he told me, I was so angry at him. I had fought so hard to help him over the years that him telling me that he wanted to give up sent me into a rage. I swore at him. A lot. And I reminded him that doctors had suggested he could live another five years with treatment. I said that within that time I hoped that I’d be married, and have a family of my own, and asked him if he wanted to be around to see that. When he looked me in the eye and told he couldn’t imagine himself living through another five years of pain, I realised just how emotionally exhausted he was. And that while he may have physically been capable of surviving another five years with treatment, mentally, he had nothing left to give.

Over the next few weeks shit got rough. Dad deteriorated rapidly both physically and mentally. His body filled with toxins and his head became so clouded with anger that he began lashing out at the people who were trying to help him. From early September to when he passed away was one of the most difficult periods that we had ever experienced in our relationship. He and I fought more than we ever had, and I lost patience with him more than once as we both said some pretty hurtful things to one another out of frustration. I loved and cared for him so fucking much and it was destroying me to watch him just give up. But for every fight that we had, we also had discussions about my life, and his, and about what he wanted when he passed.

The night before my Dad died, he called me from a hospital bed and told me that he loved me, and that he appreciated everything that I had done for him. We cried. And then we spoke for a few minutes about what he wanted me to say as a farewell to each member of our family before he hung up the phone, and the period in my life where I had a father who was alive came to a premature end.

I know that some of this probably sounds like I’m condemning his decision not to undergo dialysis. Or that I’m harbouring some kind of pent up frustration at him for his actions. But I’m not. I’m not writing any of this to disparage my Dad, or his memory…

It’s important for me to say that. Because I love my Dad. I always will. And in a way, I’m still trying to shelter him by only talking about some of the things that my family has been through; particularly over the past twelve months. Instead, I’m writing about my experiences with him because I hope that by doing so, I can help whoever reads this to understand that every one of us are fighting our own battles; and that sometimes the kindness of the people around us is the only thing in this world that we have left to hold onto.

Mental illness is not something to be trifled with. Even though I’ve had my own battles with anxiety and depression, and had friends take their own lives, it wasn’t until I watched my father in his final weeks that I realized just how overwhelming a fight with the chemical imbalances inside our brains actually can be. Dad was constantly lost in his own head, battling against himself, scalding his own behaviour, and allowing his anger at his own shortcomings to fester. In the end, he was so lost that even the idea of being around for a few more years to potentailly meet his grandchildren couldn’t rouse him.

Although he’s no longer here, Dad did struggle against his illnesses for years before giving up. I truly believe that he made it as far as he did because of the kindness and generosity of the people around him, including the complete strangers who loaned him a couple of bucks, or who bent rules and gave him discounts on a safe place to sleep when he needed it. Dad might have been down and out, and on the wrong end of far too many of his own poor decisions, but people always seemed to see the good in him and reciprocated with kindness and compassion when he needed it most.

While he may not have left behind much of a legacy in a tangible sense, this lesson that people are inherently compassionate by nature, as well as everything else that he has taught me over the years, means far more to me that a life insurance policy, or a will choked full of meaningless assets ever could. I will forever be grateful to those strangers that treated my Dad with respect, and made him feel welcome. I will never meet most of them, or even know their names. But to know that their actions often helped him make it through just one more day means the world to me.

You might be wondering why I called this post Tricky…

I did so because that’s what people used to call my Dad when he was a cop. Tricky Trev was as sharp as a whip and always had a solution to a sticky situation. Yet while the title is more of a homage to him than anything else, perhaps it also lends itself to the idea that I am ultimately trying to convey here. Which is that life can be tricky sometimes. For all of us. We all have our battles to fight, and our horizons to cross as we complete our idiosyncratic journeys between birth and death. But through acknowledging that we all experience lower moments, as well as remembering the powerful effect that kindness has on each of us during those difficult times, we can create a better world for those who are struggling.

The battle that I’ve been fighting with my Dad is over now. It came to an end on November 18th, 2019. In many ways, his passing is bitter-sweet. Because as much as I miss him, at least I know that he is no longer in pain.

What we went through as a family won’t be the last hardship that I endure in my life. I will undoubtedly have plenty more ups and downs before my bones inevitably turn to dust. But hopefully the lessons that I’ve learned by fighting alongside, and against, the man who taught me how to ride a bike, drive a car, and to respect those around me, will help me to remember that I’m not alone in my struggles. And to be kind, always. Because you never know what someone else is living through, or just deeply your compassion can move them in their times of need.

144 thoughts on “Tricky

  1. LovingSummer says:

    Everything you’ve so eloquently written here speaks of a typical and terribly hard journey that so many people (relatives) go through – speaking as a nurse who saw patients through to the end and equally importantly their nearest and dearest with them.
    So many people felt such guilt at their frustrations to the dying person, in life as well as death. You speak of your moments of such frustration with beautiful honesty, and your deep and lasting love for your Dad really shines through much more than any of the difficult moments. I hope your grief causes you less pain for this.

  2. Belladonna says:

    This post was breath taking💗 from beginning to end

  3. edgarone2 says:

    I’m very sorry Chris about your loss.

  4. This post was awesome, can’t believe I read the whole post, I am so sorry for your loss, and you’re right everyone is fighting battles within themselves.

  5. heart wrenching… reading about your dad and you made me realize how sometimes relations are so helpless and beyond our reach… i agree to every situation you faced was beyond the control but filled with feelings… thanks for sharing … blessings

  6. Teresa Bassett says:

    An amazing post, Chris, such wise, honest and poignant words. My own dad’s final months in 2015 were terribly difficult, and reading your post reminded me how we all have to face times of private despair, and of the importance of kindness. All best wishes.

  7. vickyinelvenrealm says:

    This moved me to tears. I don’t have anything else to offer but my deepest condolences.

  8. scribelady says:

    I am so sorry for your dad’s passing, Chris. You so eloquently expressed his struggle and yours.

  9. Tonno Bisaccio says:

    …I offer a virtual plate of carbonara (pasta), tiramisu, wine, good espresso and music. Maybe most of the battles would take a much different flavor if the most of us could admit to belonging to larger things and throw away the ‘free market competition’ nonsense (as in such modeling agrees neither with data, repeated and confirmed, at all, nor reality.)

  10. Reading this blog post, brought back a flood of memories. My mother passed away on the 15th November, 2018. I loved how you wrote about your relationship, your struggles and your letting go. My mother had Alzheimer’s, but due to many family struggles and low funds as my own father didn’t take care of their financial situation when he was still employed, my mother went undiagnosed until it was too late. I nursed her at home, with the consent of the rest of my family, my father and three siblings and the medical staff. My relationship with each of my parents, was complicated for different reasons. But being able to nurse her to her death, was the greatest source of healing for me. I feel your pain, your grief and your loss… We will work out this pain for the rest of our lives. Beautifully written xox (Belinda)

  11. swabby429 says:

    I can relate on some level to these thoughts. I lost my brother to an aortic aneurysm. Despite a seven-hour surgery, the hospital staff was unable to save his life. The main contributing factors of his health crisis were tobacco and alcohol.

  12. kamila more cabisada says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. It is almost 4AM in Manila and I am thinking about my own father. Missing him again because of this piece.

  13. Jane Tawel says:

    Seems you have hit a “father-lode” nerve with many of us — myself included. Thank you for digging deep and speaking with love and truth.

  14. 2 very close relatives of mine– one with dementia, the other with pancreatic cancer– decided that enough was enough. The first, during a short cognizant period, decided that she could no longer spend another year in a health facility with that lifestyle. Consequently she subconsciously refused meds and food. The other, although chemo was shrinking his tumor, decided to no longer continue with the treatment that also made him not want to eat besides feeling really bad. Everyone has their turning point decision in life. I’m sure our turn will arise. Peace.
    Art

  15. Very touching. My condolences I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us. Your message will resonate with a lot of people. ⚘

  16. lexicartis says:

    Hi Chris, thanks for reading the poem ‘Melancholy Folly’ and giving your approval. Having read your moving post, approval certainly means more coming from someone who has had your experience of a loved one suffering from mental illness and depression. I was concerned that my post might seem to belittle the issue, as I am sure there are many cases where the illness could have been prevented in the early days by greater care and wiser responses (as with your father in the police force – my F.I.L had very similar experiences) or by society developing a more outward looking attitude in us all, so that we recognise and appreciate ‘the breaks in the cloud’ and are actively looking out for how we can use kindness to make everyone’s battles a little easier. ‘Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.’ (Phil 4 v 8). And act on these thoughts…

  17. Ivana says:

    Sorry for your loss Chris ❤️ thinking of you XO

  18. Green Socks says:

    I cried reading this. You and your brother and dad are such strong people. You’ve all kept going through incredibly tough times and your dad was strong enough to choose for himself at the end, that must take a lot of resolve and courage. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I’ll be telling my parents how much I love them today.

  19. So sorry about the loss of your father. Your post was very moving and heartfelt. I hope you found some comfort while writing and remember the good times.

  20. Alma says:

    Thanks for sharing this. I know how hard this kind of post can be to write, and I appreciate your vulnerability here. I can relate to a lot of what you shared, as I also had a complicated relationship with both of my parents–who suffered from various forms of mental illness in their lives–and both died too soon. I lost my father at age 6 from alcoholism and my mother at 26, from heart disease. Start to finish, her ordeal lasted 2 months–and she didn’t survive the surgery. During that time, she became this person I barely recognized, and it was an incredible ordeal for all of us. I learned, during that time, that we are all just doing the best we can. And that included me. I’m sorry you’ve had to join this awful club. I’m around if you ever want to talk to someone who gets it.

  21. A beautiful loving piece. The death of a parent is always horrendous. You have described your relationship with such love , honesty and forgiveness. My mother too died because oh alcohol and cigarette addictions. She too had been encouraged to use them as props for her own ptsd – in her case horrendous wartime experiences in Siberia and later a very messy divorce. This was fourteen years ago . She too refused treatment (for lung Nd liver cancer) and died three weeks after entering hospital. It was not an easy time for anyone. But the overwhelming heartache passes – most of the time. All the best to you – you are right. Kindness is all

  22. May his memory be a blessing.

  23. Felicia Star says:

    So sorry for your loss.
    Such moving and thoughtful words, with a beautiful message.

  24. Steve says:

    What a beautiful post; you brought tears to my eyes, Chris. I’m sorry your dad died and that his deterioration brought so much heartbreak. I admire the life lessons you’ve taken from the experience and that you’ve attributed to him as it’s so important in today’s world, with all the hostility that can surround us, to stop and just be kind. I wish you moments of peace and joy as you grieve… as you are seeing, it’s a complicated process. Take care.

  25. Thank you for visiting my blog. I enjoyed reading your moving tribute to your father. I am so sorry for your loss. The strength of your father’s deeds will reverberate in your life in ways that you can never foresee. Clearly, your father merited a beautiful, devoted and loving family. May his memory be a blessing.

  26. Lesley says:

    So beautifully and sensitively written. I love how, though you have gone through this suffering, you recognise others suffering too. Some people can’t see this. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  27. Bijanca says:

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

  28. Nice piece… that was awesome.I just hosted my blogsite and i discovered i’ve lost all my followers (this is heartbreaking for me…) Please would you be kind to follow me back on https://www.chinonyerememmanuella.com (Chinonyerem Emmanuella’s Blog) with the tagline “LEFINEG” Thank you!

  29. https://id.pinterest.com/DavidBuckle3 says:

    exactly…

    can we talk? i need to let the time be up to you,
    ‘m mostly available, my friend.

  30. Hello Chris. Please accept my sympathies in the loss recently of your beloved Dad. Sometimes it can take years to adjust to our parents’ passing and yet, they may seem close in mysterious reassurances. Continue to be strong and to write. Please be safe.

  31. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YAWRCGXhG8&t=428s says:

    oh Chris,
    i only just now realized a tragic ordeal, losing your Father.
    Just know, Chris, your Dad finished the race, He is waiting;
    look for nuances; when they come, they will, take comfort.
    One but may know closeness… and you will know so much

  32. aprilgarner says:

    This is such an honest and nuanced account of your relationship with your father. You admit to the fights, the yelling, the anger, but you also express your love and respect for him so genuinely. You hold him accountable for his actions but also acknowledge that there were factors beyond him that influenced him. This is such a complete portrait of the complexities of a parent and adult child relationship. Thank you for sharing it.

  33. Reet Singh says:

    A loving tribute! Heart-rending and heart-warming, both!

  34. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YAWRCGXhG8&t=428s says:

    you know that’s right, Chris

  35. Thank you for sharing a piece of your dad with us, it was a great reminder that ups and downs are normal and do not take away from the love we have for that family member. I like the reminder to be kind as well, I also call it “laying up mercy” because the kindness we sow will grow, so that our descendants will reap its fruit. Praying for you and your family.

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